10-1a Willingness to Invest Friendships grow out of personal investments, which we discussed in Chapter 8 (Grayling, 2013; Nehamas, 2016). We expect to invest time, effort, thought, and feeling in our friendships, and we may also invest materially by lending or giving money, gifts, and other items of value. The investments that we make tend to stoke our commitment to friendships. Dennis I really count on my buddies to be there for me. Sometimes, we talk or do stuff, but a lot of times we just hang out together. That might not sound important, but it is. Hanging out with friends is a big part of my life. 10-1b Emotional Closeness Emotional intimacy grows out of investments, such as time, talk, and shared experiences. As people spend time together, they tend to become more comfortable being together and to have an increased sense of bonding. Although most people agree that closeness is central to friendships, sex and gender influence how we experience and express intimacy with friends. Closeness through Dialogue For some people, communication is the centerpiece of friendship. This is especially true for people socialized in feminine speech communities, which emphasize talk as a primary path to intimacy. In general, women see talking and listening-face-to-face (f2f) or via social mediaas the main activities that create and sustain closeness (Bodey & Wood, 2009; Wright, 2006; Tannen, 2017). Talk between women friends tends to be disclosive and emotionally expressive (Bane, Cornish, Erspamer, & Kampman, 2010; Braithwaite & Kellas, 2006; Felmlee, Sweet, & Sinclair, 2012; Metts, 2006b). Women discuss not only major issues but also day-to-day activities. This "small" talk matters because it allows friends to weave their worlds together and to understand the rhythms of each other's life (Braithwaite & Kellas, 2006; Metts, 2006b). Out of intimate conversation, friends build a deep sense of connection. 10-1c Acceptance We expect friends to accept us, including our flaws. Each of us has shortcomings, and we count on friends to accept us in spite of them. With people we don't know well, we often feel we need to put on our best face to impress them. With friends, however, we don't want to put up false fronts. If we feel low, we can act that way instead of faking cheerfulness. If we are upset, we don't have to hide it. If someone dumped us, we don't have to pretend we feel fine. 10-1d Trust A key component of close friendships is trust, which has two dimensions. First, trust involves confidence that others will be dependable. We count on them to do what they say they'll do and not to do what they promise they won't. Second, trust is rooted in the belief that a friend cares about us and our welfare. We count on friends to look out for us and to want the best for us. When we believe that both dimensions of trust are present, we feel safe sharing private information with friends and secure in the knowledge that they will not hurt us. Interestingly, both women and men judge a friend more harshly for betraying a confidence if that friend is female (Felmlee et al., 2012). Sarini Trust is the bottom line for friends. It's the single most important thing. It takes me a long time to really trust someone, but when I do, it's complete. I was so hurt when a friend told another person something I told her in confidence. We still get together, but the trust is gone. I don't tell her private things, so there's no depth. Like most qualities of friendship, trust develops gradually and in degrees. We learn to trust people over time as we interact with them and discover that they do what they say they will, they care about our happiness, and they don't betray us. As trust develops, friends increasingly reveal themselves to one another. In turn, self-disclosures fuel feelings of intimacy and commitment to the friendship. 10-1e Support We expect friends to support us. There are many ways to show support. Common to the various types of support is the relationship message, "I care about you." Often, we support friends by listening to their problems. The more mindfully we listen, the more support we provide. How we respond also shows support. For example, it's supportive to offer to help a friend with a problem or to talk through options. Another way we support friends is by letting them know they're not alone. When we say, "I've felt that way, too" or "I've had the same problem," we signal that we understand their feelings. Having the grace to accept friends when they err or hurt us is also a way to show support and validate their worth. Another important form of support is availability. Sometimes we can't do or say much to ease a friend's unhappiness. However, we can be with friends so that at least they have company in their sadness. In one study, young adults said the essence of real friendship was "being there for each other" (Secklin, 1991). Increasingly, people rely on friends for support online-being there for them emotionally when they can't be there physically (High & Solomon, 2014; Mansson & Myers, 2011). Women and men tend to differ somewhat in how they support friends. Because feminine socialization emphasizes personal communication, women generally provide more verbal emotional support than men do (Bane et al., 2010; Felmlee et al., 2012; Flannery & Smith, 2017; Johnson, 2000; Monsour, 2006). They are likely to talk in detail about feelings, dimensions of emotional issues, and fears that accompany distress. By talking in depth about emotional troubles, women help one another to identify and vent feelings and work out problems.