3. How did you feel about the content --- did it enlighten you? Was it not very helpful? Was it interesting?

I Self-Management Copyright 2007. Arnacorn. All rights reserved. Selfmanagement happens when we begin to use our awareness of our feel ings to manage ourselves. Building on the base of selfawareness, we use that information to control and manage our emotions. Self~management is the ability to control our emotions so that they don't control us. That is the simple but powerful truth about selfmanagement. We need to use what we know about our emotions to control and manage those emotions and our behavior. This includes techniques that help us to regulate our emotions, to identify and prevent emotional triggers, and to identify and prevent thinking that can lead to emotional breakdowns. Why is it important to manage our emotions? The alternative is not very attractive. Individuals who don't manage their emotions in the business world are called rageaholics and drama queens. They cause others to sigh, roll their eyes, or even leave the room in fright. It should go without saying that if you cannot manage yourself you cannot manage others. No one wants to follow someone who is not in control of themselves. The stereotypical boss who is valued because they use whatever means necessary to get the results from their teams is a relic of the past. I had a caveman manager like that for several years. He was a loose can non; a rageaholic who survived only because he achieved results. I worked for him on a couple of large projects and he had the same modus operandi to berate people, run roughshod over them, and intimidate them into per forming as he wanted. And it didn't matter if you were on his team or some how in the way of his success. He treated everyone the same. 52 S ELF MANAGEMENT 53 In fairness to this manager, the stakes were high and it was a high pres sure job. We were involved in recovering red projects, that is, projects that were failing. It was our job to go in and recover the project. The environ ment was very stressful. That said, the end did not justify the means. There were other, better ways of achieving the results. The manager simply was not able to use any other means because he did not have control over his emotions. When I worked for this manager years ago, he was valued by the or ganization for the results he was able to achieve. These days, I don't think that organizations tolerate or want that kind of behavior. They want positive results, of course, but are unwilling to sanction cavemanlike methods that reect a lack of emotional selfcontrol. PMs and leaders today are expected to be in control of themselves and their emotions. We all probably know managers who have reputations for kicking butt and then taking names. You might recall the controversy over John Bolton, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. \\When john Bolton was identified as a candidate for the ambassadorship, news reports surfaced about his alleged negative behavior at previous government positions. Mr. Bolton was called the \"quintessential kiss up kick down manager,\" which clearly is not a compliment. Bolton's nomination was nearly derailed because of that criticism. That is not to say that anger doesn't have a place in business or in proj ect management. Channeled productively, anger can move us and our project team members better than any other emotion. The key is to have control over anger, just as we need to control all of our emotions. That is all part of self management. Project managers and leaders of all types need to control themselves and manage their emotions. They cannot afford to let their emotions overtake them and dictate their behavior or they will nd they aren't leading anyone for VCl-y long. I The Emotional Intelligence Model for Project Management In Figure 41, we show the emotional intelligence model for project man agement and the domain of selfmanagement. As shown in the diagram, selfmanagement includes the single competency of selfcontrol. Self control is the ability to be in control of our emotions so that they do not control us. Copyrigm 2007. Amacom. All vigms reserved. 5!. ProjertMamlgemenr Begim with SelfManage-mm: 5. Team Leadership - Communications - Conflict Management - Ins - irational Leadershin 3. Social Awareness 4. Relationship Mana ement - Empathy g ' Organizational Awareness - Stakeholder Relationships - Seeing Others Clearly _ Developing Others - Emotional Boundaries _ Truth Telling 1. Self-Awareness 2. Self-Management - Emotional Self-Awareness - Self-Control - Accurate Selesessmeni - SelfConfidence Figure 4-1: Emotional Intelligence Framework Showing Self-Management. Self-Awareness Precedes Self-Management Selfawareness is a necessary predecessor to selfmanagement and selfcontrol as shown in Figure 42.. After all, if we don't know what we are feeling it can be difficult to do anything about it. Awareness can be a big help when it comes to managing negative emotions. When we are feeling a negative emo tion, we can often disarm or control the impact of that feeling just by being aware of what it is and why we are feeling it. For example, if I feel scared before a meeting with an important client, I can often calm myself simply by naming the feeling and acknowledging the reasons for it. Once I realize that I am scared, I can do something about it. Almost anytime I am doing something important, I am going to feel scared. So when I feel scared, I simply remind myself that this means it is important. I SelfAwareness Self-Management Figure 4-2: Self-Awareness Precedes Self-Management SELF- MANAGEMENT 55 Meetings make me scared because they are important. Recognizing that I am scared because the meeting is important is usually enough to calm me and remind me that my feelings (fear in this case) are serving me. I Self-Control What Is Self-Control? Selfcontrol is the ability to remain composed in spite of our emotional state. This does not mean forcing a smile when we are sad or angry. It does mean registering sad and angry feelings as well as controlling our reaction to those feelings. For most PMs, managing the negative feelings is going to be the biggest priority. Negative Feelings Can Cripple a Team In a team environment, negative emotions can be crippling, especially when they stem from the leader. This environment provides plenty of opportunities to practice selfmanagement. Emotions can run rampant on projects where the stakes are high for both individuals and organizations. Projects can be stressful due to the constraints placed on them. Dead lines are usually aggressive if not downright unrealistic. Budgets are often set without regard to the work required. The scope of work can be unrealistic or subject to interpretation or negotiation. They often involve doing things for the first time. Many project managers take the success or failure of the project as a personal success or failure. These factors can place a lot of pres Sure on the Project manager. PMS need to learn to manage their Own Stress and calm others by their example. All of this can cause negative emotions in the project team and the PM. Negative emotions can poison the project environment, especially those em anating from the leader. Anger, disappointment, rage, sadness, and fear all need to be monitored and managed so that they don't impact the rest of the team. That doesn't mean stuffing these emotions, dismissing them, or pre tending they don't exist. It does mean managing those emotions. There is nothing like the pressure of an intense project to bring out the best and the worst in us. Any tiny crack in our emotional foundation is brought to light and often, when exposed to heat and pressure, it will result in unpleasant side effects. Tough times tend to reveal our true emotional nature. If we don't manage our emotions in the project environment, very bad things can happen. In addition to poisoning the atmosphere of the team, we Copyright 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved. 56 I'm/m Managrmmr Beginr wit/J StifManagrmmr can get a reputation for being out of control. Others may avoid working with us and our team. We may have a difcult time retaining the best resources, and we will tend to attract team members who are comfortable working in negative environments. Our team members might quietly try to sabotage the project. Our relationships with stakeholders will suffer. I have been there myself. Sadly, I have lost control of my emotions on a project more than once. Sometimes the consequences were no big deal and the project moved on. Other times, my lack of emotional control hurt me and my team. In one particularly painful example, I was managing a large interna tional project. I had a poor relationship with one of the team leads working for me. The relationship had deteriorated to the point where it was adver sarial. There was an ongoing battle of wills about this team lead's travel to the client site. It culminated one day when my team lead sent me another travel request via email. I was incensed and had reached my breaking point. I was also feeling under pressure due to some criticism from the client about the project team's performance. \\Vithout thinking about my reaction or waiting to calm down, I replied to the email in a terse and critical way. The team member was angry about my response and escalated it to my manager, who called me to ask, \"what gives?\" It was embarrassing. Worse, it led to a painful, formal investigation that dragged on for 2 months. Of the many mistakes that I made in this situation, the main one was that I responded inappropriately out of anger. I should have calmed down, evaluated alternative courses of action, and then chose an appropriate re sponse. I also should have been addressing the underlying relationship break down that was the undercurrent for the issue. As it was, I responded too quickly, using emotions and Without thinking. I was not managing myself. The email response was the single event that I wish I could have taken back. In this particular situation, the email and the formal investigation showed that I needed to manage myself better. When the investigation had run its course, the individual felt he could no longer work for me and left the project. That turned out to be very helpful to me and to the overall project. It was something I wish I had addressed sooner and directly. Self-Control Is for All Emotions As noted, self-control is critical for negative emotions because they can poi son the atmosphere in a team. But we also need to exercise control over our expression of positive emotions. SELF-MANAGEMENT 57 Consider a situation where you are happy and excited over the achieve ment of a signicant milestone just prior to a meeting with a team member who is upset about a conict. Exhibiting your positive emotions would be inappropriate in this discussion, just as they would be in a situation when someone has just received bad news such as a death in the family. As the PM, you may need to dampen your excitement or happiness in situations like this. There are lots of opportunities for emotional selfcontrol on a long project. In fact, being on a prolonged project can be like riding an emotional roller coaster. The longest project I ever managed was three years. During that time, the team went through a lot of emotions. We reached six major client milestones and numerous minor milestones. We kicked off new years, new phases of the engagement, and new initiatives. As a team of nearly 100 people, we experienced promotions, demotions, rings, resignations, the birth of babies, marriages, and deaths in our families. Over the course of that project, it was important that I managed my emotions. I shared the excitement of reaching important milestones with one part of the team while sharing sadness over the loss of a key resource in another part of the team. I also had a team lead who lost his father and his father-inlaw within six months. It was critical that I managed both the highs and the lows during this time. The larger the team and the longer the project, the more likely it is that you will have awide range of emotions at any one time. As the PM and leader of the team, you have to be balanced and not go to extremes. This requires a high degree of emotional selfcontrol. Self-Control Helps Us Avoid Emotional Breakdowns An emotional breakdown is an involuntary response to an emotional situa- tion. We are \"losing it\" when we have an emotional breakdown. Road rage is an extreme form of emotional breakdown. Individuals who experience road rage become unpredictable and out of control. Unfortunately, we don't see a physical sign like the one in Figure 43 warning us of impending emotional breakdowns. While road rage may be unheard of in a project environment, emo tional breakdowns are not. The stress and strain of everyday life can cause emotional breakdowns. Add to that a challenging project environment and the likelihood of emotional breakdowns is very high. In Emotiamtl Intelligmct, Daniel Goleman uses the term \"emotional hijacking\" for these breakdowns. He contends that our emotions are hijacked Copyright 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved. 58 mi\": Management Btginr with StifM/Indgmmt EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN L AHEAD Figure 5-3: Warning of Emotional Breakdown Ahead. by our primitive neurological systems. These systems were designed for our survival. Most of us are familiar with the fight or ight responses. Emotional hijacking is an involuntary and extreme form of the fight or ight response mechanism.l Whether we call it emotional hijacking or emotional breakdown, the end result is the same; our emotions have been taken over by something else and we are not in control. Emotional breakdowns are involuntary. We are reacting to an event without control of our behavior. I once hired a project leader based on his stated ability not to lose it. I knew that I felt under pressure on this particular project and I needed some one who would not lose their cool. In the interview, he said that he prided himself on \"staying one degree cooler than everyone else in the room.\" That was critical for us on this particular project and his statement got him the job. We worked well together for two years and during that time, true to his word, he was usually one degree cooler than everyone else. Not everyone is able to stay cooler than everyone else. In fact, many people experience some sort of emotional breakdown during work. Each per son may have one breakdown that is more likely to occur than any other. Here 'Daniel Goleman. Emmaml Intrlligmm Why It Can Marreram Than IQ. NY: Random House/Bantam Books, 1995. SELFvMANAGEMENT 59 are some examples of emotional breakdowns that you might see in a project environment: 1. Angry Tirades Whether at work, in public, or in private, we have all seen someone explode with anger and blast someone else. We may know individuals who are likely to explode. Perhaps we even avoid certain people for fear they will blow up on us. 2. Door Slamming Not able to take any more, a person leaves the room and slams the door be hind them. 3. Email Letter Bomb Our modern ofce tools make sending an angry email easier than ever. This is a common way for people to vent anger on a project. Most of us have prob ably sent something we wish we hadn't. 4. Withdrawal and Isolation This is when people pull away, avoid meetings, and perhaps even dodge spe cific people on the project. 5. Holding Grudges and Getting Even Holding grudges often comes in response to unfavorable decisions being made, criticism received, or some other perceived slight. This type of break down often results in a secret vow to get even. A score may even be kept of who is winning and who is losing. This breakdown is especially harmful be cause it ma be secret and it can 0 on for a lon time. Y E g 6. Criticizing This breakdown results in criticism intended to hurt another. Unwarranted criticism often comes from individuals who are feeling insecure, threatened, or emotionally vulnerable. Criticism is often the response to the hurt we feel. Criticism may be buried in helpful sounding remarks or it may be out in the open. Either way, the impact is the same. 7. Sarcasm and Inappropriate Humor Sarcasm is a red flag for emotional breakdowns as discussed in Chapter 3. Both sarcasm and inappropriate humor are learned responses to situations where we don't want to address the truth directly. Copyrighl o 2007. Amacom. All righis reserved. 60 1am)\"; ManugemmrBrginr wit}; StifMdndgtmmt 8. Playing the Victim Playing the victim is also one of the red ags for emotional breakdowns that we discussed in Chapter 3. When someone plays the victim, they act as if they are powerless and not responsible for their actions. They will blame someone (or perhaps the entire world) for their situation and their actions. This is dis empowering to the individual and unacceptable to the team. How many of these emotional breakdowns do you experience? Look at the list and reect on the last week, month, and year. Have you had more than one of these? Do you experience all of these or have one or two preferred breakdowns? My own common breakdowns include email letter bombs, criticizing, sarcasm, and inappropriate humor. I have become aware enough to eliminate many of these responses from my repertoire and l have the grace and peace of mind to not go down on myself if I have a relapse. I just say, \"there I go again\" and try to determine what caused the emotional breakdown. If you are having trouble identifying your emotional breakdowns, try getting some input from others. Take the time to ask your peers, team mem bers, or your spouse how they see you. They will be glad you are investing in yourself and you might be surprised to learn more about yourself from them. Emotional Breakdowns May Be Preceded by Emotional Triggers Specic emotional breakdowns may be traced back to emotional triggers. An emotional trigger is a situation, external stimulus, or activating event that leaves us vulnerable to emotional breakdown. Triggers are not necessarily the cause of the breakdown, but they serve as a catalyst, or provide fertile ground for a breakdown. One way we can protect ourselves against emotional breakdowns is to identify the emotional triggers that immediately precede breakdowns. By sen sitizing ourselves to what leads to the breakdown, we can break the cycle. Adele Lynn identified the following ten emotional triggers in her book The EQ Di'erente; A Powertl Planr Putting Emotional Intelligence to lWork. moods and attitudes of others prethinking or foreshadowing dwelling ' personality 0 hot words/hot buttons ' perceived criticism SELFMANAGEMENT 61 ' physical environment ' illness or physical conditions ' situations2 You may recognize many of these emotional triggers at work in the project environment. Moods and Attitudes of Others Most of us are vulnerable to the moods and attitudes of others. When others are feeling down or angry, this can have a negative impact on us, leaving us open to an emotional breakdown. This has been the case for me due to growing up with an alcoholic father. In my childhood, I was acutely attuned to the moods of my dad. It was one of the ways I tried (unsuccessfully) to control my chaotic home environment. If my dad was in a good mood, I could let up and relax a little. If he wasn't, well, then I was on edge and always on the lookout for some kind of trouble. Do you take your cue on how to feel from how those around you feel? Do you get bummed out when your boss is angry or sad? Do you ever say, \"Well, I was in a good mood until you called me\" or something like that? If this applies to you, consider taking the following actions to understand and begin to protect yourself from emotional breakdown: 1. Who Is It? Try to evaluate whose moods make you feel the most vulnerable. It could be your spouse or your parents. Perhaps, like me, you are vulnerable to your boss or other authority gures. Determine who it is that Causes this trigger for you. 2. Why Is It? If possible, try to understand why you feel vulnerable. Is it because you grew up with a parent with addiction or boundary issues? Or is it because you want so much to please your spouse or fear the loss of their love? The cause may be easy to understand, or it could require some help from a trained therapist. 3. Cut the Cord Try to desensitize yourself to the moods of others as much as you can. Envi sion yourself with this key person who is in a bad mood. Practice laughing lAdcl: )3. Lynn. EQ Datum- A Powq'ilelan r Putting Emmmr ford/[Ema :0 11M, NY: AMACOM, 2005, Copyright 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved. 6 2 Project Management Begin: with StIfManagtmmt a little and saying, \"Wow, you sure are in a bad mood today\" or something similar. 4. Don't Take It Personally Don't personalize or try to control how the other person feels. They are re sponsible for their feelings, just as you are responsible for your own. If they are reacting to something you said or did, let them have their reaction. Don't walk on eggshells when you are around them or try to cushion the blow of what you say. For some people, just becoming aware of the connection between the breakdown and the moods of others can be enlightening. It is the first step toward choosing different, healthier responses. Prethinking or Foreshadowing Foreshadowing is when we predict negative outcomes or events in the future. For example, when we experience some critical issue that threatens to delay our project, we may predict that our client is going to be upset or worse, that the project will be cancelled. Some of us, myself included, have a tendency to anticipate the worst. We may even pride ourselves on being able to see the worst in every future situation. But in the project environment, this can be both a deadly poison to the team morale as well as a trigger for emotional breakdown. Chicken Little was one of those who anticipated negative future events. Chicken Little interpreted a small piece of evidence (a falling acorn, I think) to mean that the entire sky was falling. Of course, the sky was not falling and eventually Chicken Little learned a valuable lessonilearn more about emo tional intelligence. Before you email me about proper risk management for a project, let me distinguish between unhealthy foreshadowing and proper risk planning. Project managers need to address risks as well as to have a healthy skepticism about potential outcomes of tasks and projects. They need to be able to chal lenge overly optimistic estimates and outcomes and help the team plan for risks and the unexpected. That is all a part of being a good PM. That is not the type of negative foreshadowing I am discussing. Behind foreshadowing is fear, which leads to irrational thoughts. For me, it became apparent as I worked with a coach that I was predicting nega tivity in the future. I began to see that I frequently talked as if I was about to be fired or cut from the project team. I often tied this to some negative vibes SELFMANAGEMENT 63 l was picking up or news that I heard. My coach helped me to see that it was irrational, unhealthy, and could even become a self-fullling prophecy. When I lacked selfcondence and acted out of fear, I was short and critical of others. This in turn reduced productivity and caused others to question my leadership. Fortunately I was able to break the cycle and avoid being red. Here are some steps you can take if you nd yourself foreshadowing: 1. Identify the Pattern The rst step is to identify the pattern of negative thinking. First, keep a jour nal of your negative predictions and track the outcomes. Second, check it out with your boss. This will only be possible to the extent you have an open re lationship with your superior and trust it will not backre. Third, develop a trust relationship with a friend or coworker and use them as a sounding board. Check out your thoughts and negative predictions and ask what they think. The more objective that other person can be, the better. Someone that works for you is less likely to be objective than a spouse or a peer. 2. Interrupt the Foreshadowing with Logic Once you see the pattern, try to interrupt it with logic. Be patient; this can involve some level of internal strife. When my coach began to point out my negative thinking to me, I resisted. I was vested in seeing the negative and I wanted to continue as I always had. I was mired in it and it was comfortable. It took time to recognize that after two and a half years on a stressful project engagement, I wasn't on the verge of being red. It also helps sometimes to say, \"there I go again\" when you catch your self predicting negativity. Laugh aloud and say, \"whew, glad that isn't really going to happen.\" Breaking a pattern like foreshadowing can be difcult; in particular if you have done it for as long as you can remember. Remember that change is possible and with change comes a tremendous payoff. Dwelling Dwelling occurs when we become xated on one particular thought, remark, event, injury, or outcome. Our minds obsess and that incident becomes the focus of all our attention. We become stuck. This dramatically impacts our performance and leaves us vulnerable to emotional breakdown. Have you ever found yourself dwelling or obsessing over something? If you have, you know that you cannot perform well as a PM. It reminds me Copyrighl 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved. 6 4 Project Management Begins with SelerImIgemmi of the behavior of my computer when it is busy doing something else in the background when I am trying to use it. Even the most simple task can be slow. The program may say it is \"not responding\" and will sometimes even crash. That is probably how you appear to your stakeholders when you are dwelling and obsessing and they need something from you. I have fallen prey to dwelling and obsessing on a minor scale. My mind got stuck on something and then just churned away. It was not enough to pre vent me from being effective, but it did keep me awake at night on several occasions. I have also had people who worked for me become so obsessed and stuck on things that they were unable to perform at acceptable levels. In one particular case, it began to affect his interpretation of events. He began to misinterpret things that were said, to take every comment as a personal attack, and to become overwhelmed. No matter what was said, the team member seemed to hear \"you are not good enough." This was not actually the case and it caused him to become ineffective. Let's hope that you do not suffer from dwelling and obsessing on that same scale. As a PM, we can easily become obsessed with our performance and that of our team, as well as on the success of the project. Here are some ideas for dealing with this behavior if you nd yourself falling into that trap on your project: Become Aware First, be aware of the behavior and see it for what it is. Sometimes it is enough to simply acknowledge it in order to break the cycle. If you have a tendency to dwell and obsess, become alert to signs that you are getting sucked in. Get Clear Take action to be clear or to get over it. Whatever the hurt, it probably tracks back to some injury caused by someone else. What do you need to do or say that would help you feel OK? This might mean having a difcult conversation with someone about their behavior. It is amazing how often taking a simple but courageous step can relieve us from the obsession. Recharge If you find yourself dwelling or obsessing, evaluate whether you are getting enough rest and downtime away from the project. Some time away may help to keep your emotions in check. Also, invest in hobbies; in particular those that involve other people. Try also taking regular vacations that are long enough to allow full relaxation. SELFMANAGEMENT 6 5 Break the Link If a particular person is the root of your obsessions, try to get as far away from that person as possible. While not as effective as getting clear, it may help to eliminate the obsessive behavior. Don't Try NOT to Think About It Sometimes, if we are consciously trying not to think about something we find we cannot stop. Instead, dedicate a specic time to dwell, obsess and worry about it. Limit this time to something reasonable like ten to twenty minutes at the end of the day. You might nd that having a specic time set aside for dwelling allows you to get it out of your system and then put your mind back on what is important. Relax Try relaxation techniques such as breathing, prayer, or meditation. These can often break the cycle. Tease Yourself If we take ourselves too seriously we often set up conditions that lead to ob session. Try teasing yourself about how silly you are being. Sometimes you can acknowledge the behavior and poke a little lighthearted fun at yourself. Seek Professional Help If you are unable to break the cycle on your own, it might be helpful to enlist the help of a professional. Your mental health and professional performance is worth whatever it costs to eliminate dwelling and obsessing from your life. If your mind is dwelling and obsessing, you will not be open and avail able to work on your project, and you won't be much of a PM or a leader. Do what you need to do to remove obsessions; this will also protect you against emotional breakdowns. Hot Words and Hot Buttons The focus of the following section is on triggers that affect many of us: hot words and hot buttons (see Figure 44). A hot word or hot button is a word or issue that triggers a specific and undesirable behavior in us, leaving us open to threats. I recently had a team member whose hot button was failure. He was acutely attuned to feelings of failure and was on the lookout for that condition. This stemmed from the fact that he perceived himself as a failure. There Copyrighl o 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved. 66 13mm Manugtmmt Begins with SelfManagt-mmt \\ '. '29 Figure 4-1.: Hm Button. was no data to support his feelings of failure about himself. Those feelings came from an internal sense of inadequacy that no amount of striving would overcome. Whether it was rational or true, the individual had this sense of failure about himself. He also projected on me that I was saying he was a failure. I did not feel this Way about the man and valued him as part of the team. How ever, the words I used triggered him to feel like a failure. When I told him that I did not believe \"the team would succeed\" using a particular process, he heard \"you are a failure.\" My style of challenging people to perform at a higher level backred; all he heard was criticism. It would have been more eEective to congratulate, acknowledge, and give recognition. This very capable team lead eventually had an emotional breakdown. Give Yourself a Checkup Think for a moment about the hot buttons or hot issues that trigger you. Are there any specific concerns that you tend to react to or that cause you to blow up? Do you think that others avoid bringing up issues to sidestep an argument with you? Here are some things you can do if you want to understand your own hot buttons. Get a Second Opinion One quick way to get more input on your hot words or hot buttons is to check with someone you trust. There is no substitute for including others in our analysis and getting honest and accurate insights. More often than not, when we suffer from issues it is because we are trying to work it out on our own. As noted before, this input could come from a spouse or significant other, a trusted coworker, or a coach or mentor. Ask them if there are issues that they feel they cannot discuss with you. S ELF MANAGEMENT 6 7 Go Beyond. the Hot Button Once you know you have a hot button, take steps to determine the under lying issue and feelings (e.g., feeling like a failure, lack of self condence). What is really going on for you? If you are struggling with selfcconfrdence or inadequacy, perhaps you need to focus on that issue rather than the actual hot button or hot word. As with the other emotional triggers, it may help to laugh at ourselves when we find that a hot button has set us off. We may also need to seek pro fessional help. Criticism and Blame Criticism and blame can often be triggers for emotional breakdown. In par ticular this can be the case when the criticism is unwarranted, if we feel we have not been fairly treated, or if we were not given a chance to explain or defend ourselves. The criticism doesn't even have to be real; perceived criti cism can also trigger an undesired response from us. Criticism and feeling blamed have been a problem for me in the past. If I thought someone else was being critical of me, I would feel deflated and de pressed. The criticism hurt because it resonated with what I already felt about myself. I was my own worst critic. My discussions with others leads me to be lieve that this is very common and that many people are their own worst critics. Unfortunately for me, my past response to criticism or blame was to freak out and to immediately turn around and blame someone else. When problems occurred, I was often short with people, I lacked tact and empathy, and I immediately would dig in to figure out exactly who was responsible for the problem. This led to some ugly confrontations on past projects. This has been one of my most common emotional breakdowns. The good news is that over the last few years I have learned to deal with criticism in healthier ways. Here are some of the ways I now deal with criticism and blame: My Own Worst Enemy \\With some work I have learned to recognize when I am being my own worst critic. Only rarely do I find that others are criticizing me; more often it is just me. If I can eliminate the voice in my head that criticizes my work, I an over come the feeling of being criticized. Look Ahead Anticipate situations where I will feel or be criticized by others. Often, I know ahead of time when I am vulnerable to feeling criticized. If I do, I can Copyrighl 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved. 6 8 Project Management Begin: with Self/Management visualize criticism coming from others and then practice healthy reactions. One healthy reaction is to calmly turn around and ask the critic what is go ing on with them or why they feel the need to criticize. Check It Out In some situations, we perceive criticism that is actually not criticism. Check it out to determine first if it is actually criticism and second, if that criticism is meant for you. Sometimes we may be reacting to comments or feedback from others that is meant to be helpful and not critical. Instead of personal izing someone's comments as criticism or blame, check it out. Ask the other person what they meant by their remark. If you receive true criticism, evalu ate what part of that criticism you can use. Discard the rest. The New Wheaties When I was a kid, Wheaties was called the breakfast of champions. A former coworker taught me that feedback is actually the breakfast of champions. If we want to be champions, we need to be open to feedback. We may even need to go so far as to seek it out. Could Be Just Them Sometimes we need to be reminded that other people have their own opin ions and that doesn't make them right. Also, many people, myself included, are not that good at providing constructive feedback. So before we overreact to some comment from someone else, we need to consider the source. More often than not, criticism says more about the person who criticizes than the one receiving the criticism. Sometimes we need to ignore or discount the feed back from others. Doesn't Change Anything Remember that even if true, criticism and blame do not make you a bad person. Set 1 Mistake Quota Mistakes are part of being human and we all should expect to make them if we are growing. If you are not making mistakes, you are not trying hard enough. You may want to consider setting a quota of mistakes each day or week. I used to joke with a recent project team that we would strive to make only new and very creative mistakes. We certainly should not make the same mistakes, of course, but our focus should be more on success than on not making mistakes. If your goal is to not make a mistake, you will be too cau tious to be effective at anything. SELFMANAGEMENT 69 Finally, I would like to refer to the words of Theodore Roosevelt and his view of critics. Though these words of his are often quoted, they are worth repeating. \"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out howthe strong man stumbled. or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst. if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.\" Theodore Roosevelt Physical Environment Our physical work environment and specic situations can leave us vulner able to emotional breakdowns. This should not be surprising. Imagine how you feel when you are in environments that are hot, cold, noisy, cluttered, filthy, or isolated. If we are not physically comfortable, we may be vulnerable to an emotional breakdown. There also may be specic situations that leave us emotionally vulnerv able. For example, I feel vulnerable when I am in a large crowd of people. I also find that the winters in Chicago cause me to feel vulnerable to break downs. Chicago in the summer is a tremendous playground. However, in the winter it is more like Gotham City. The days often seem cold, gray, and so dreary that they suck the life out of you. It can really make you appreciate the few sunny days we experience during the winter! Illness and Fatigue illness and fatigue can also leave us vulnerable to an emotional breakdown. Like our environment, they can leave us feeling less than our best. When we don't feel well or are extremely tired, we let down our guard and become vul nerable to emotional breakdowns. An extreme example of this would be in dividuals experiencing some type of chronic pain. It is hard to show grace and not react emotionally when you are experiencing chronic pain. In a similar Copyright 200 7. Amacom. All rights less Wed. 70 Project Management Begins with SelfMarmgemer/t way, fatigue can leave us vulnerable to a breakdown. I know that if I don't get enough sleep and let myself get run down, I risk making emotional mistakes. Reduce Your Vulnerability to Emotional Triggers What can we do to reduce our vulnerability to these emotional triggers? Here are some specific ways to reduce the impact of these triggers. Know Thyself The first step is to know yourself. Make it a point to understand what your specic emotional triggers are. Evaluate Your Physical Environment Are you as comfortable as you can make yourself? What needs to change to make you comfortable? If you are isolated, what can you do to feel more con nected? If you are a work'athome professional, try staying connected with Instant Messaging or go to work in a public space, like a Starbucks, rather than stay at home in isolation. Is your work area continually cold? Get a small space heater. Take Care of Yourself and Stay Healthy If you don't take care of yourself, it will be hard for you to care for others. Taking care of yourself includes eating healthy foods, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Keep yourself healthy to prevent illness and fatigue. Take basic preven tive care to avoid getting sick by washing your hands frequently and avoiding direct contact with those who are sick. If you do get sick, don't try to be a hero. Some people think it is important to come to work even when they are sick. They mistakenly believe that the team is better off with them there. Un fortunately, illness an spread and cripple an entire team. Set a good example for everyone else by staying home and getting better. Even if you believe you are indispensable, the team is better off without you while you recuperate. Sharpen the Saw Stephen Covey talks about the importance of sharpening the saw in The Seven Habit: asz'ghij/ Ectz've People. In essence he is talking about self renewal. This means taking your vacations as well as investing in training and development. Are you too busy on your project for vacation or training? That is a common refrain and one that is easily debunked. First of all, no one per son is that critical to a project. Second, there will never be a perfect time on SELE MANAGEMENT 71 your project to take vacation or go to training. The busier your project, the more you will benefit from downtime away from it.5 Avoid Long Work Weeks We all have to stretch once in a while and we all have a different level of stam ina. However, if you are working more than fortyfive, fifty, or sixty hours every week, you are likely setting yourself up for fatigue and illness. Get Support When feeling sick, tired, or worn out, you need to seek support from others. This support could be from your manager, a trusted co-worker, friends, a spouse, or a mentor. Reach out to others and engage them on an emotional level. Get the help you need to stay on top of your game. Stinking Thinking Can Cause Emotional Breakdowns There is one more type of emotional breakdown and it is caused by the way we think. As strange as it sounds, we can affect the way we are feeling based on our thoughts. It is through distorted thinking that we set ourselves up for an emotional breakdown. This distorted thinking is also called stinking thinking. We can literally think ourselves into feeling bad and that can leave us vulnerable to an emo tional breakdown. Just when things seem to be going well our mind convinces us that things are falling apart. It seems that we selfsabotage. Negativity, despair, and global thinking are the keys themes that I notice. See if you can relate to any of these or if they are causing emotional breakdowns for you. 1. All or Nothing Thinking \\Vith all or nothing thinking, we see things as a total failure if they fall short of perfect. We see no good in an imperfect situation. As an example, consider what happened to me recently on a return trip from Washington, D.C. to Chicago. My class in D.C. finished early and I sprinted to the airport with the hopes of getting on an earlier ight. As it turned out, I was able to leave on a ight that was one hour earlier. However, I had to give up my rst class upgrade and sit in a middle seat in economy class. I felt a sense of loss and was angry as I ew from Washington to Chicago in that center seat in economy class. srephm R. Covey. may". Habm cnyghi] 59m, Pmllzlr: Pawufitl Lawn: m Prrmna/ Chang: Salt Lake City, UT: Franklin Covey, 1989. Copyrighl 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved. 7 2 beltl't Management Begins with StIfMangrmmr When I arrived at home that evening and my wife asked me about the trip, I said it was awful. Though I did get home earlier than planned, I con sidered it a bad trip because I did not get everything I wanted. I was unable to see beyond the fact that I gave up my firstclass seat. Beware of allor nothing thinking. If you find yourself doing this, try to turn it around and affirm what went right. Try to recognize that things (and people) will never be perfect. 2. Always and Never Another form of stinking thinking is when we see one negative event as a neverending series of defeat or failure. The clue to this type of thinking is when we use words like always and never. This sounds like my daughter when she says, \"we never get to do anything fun.\" Do you use words like always and never.> When you and your project team need to work through a weekend, do you find yourself thinking \"we always have to work on our weekends,\" or uI never get any time to myself?\" If someone else gets promoted, do you think \"I never get considered for bet ter jobs?\" When we use the terms all or never, we are choosing to be a victim to circumstances and viewing life as beyond our control. The key to breaking this type of thinking is to be alert to the use of the words \"always\" and \"never.\" Rarely is it true that things are always or never a certain way. Instead of using always or never, look for and acknowledge the exceptions. More important, empower yourself by thinking through the ways that you can create different outcomes for yourself. If you feel like you never have enough time for yourself or you want a better job, determine what steps you can take now to have more time or get that better job. Remind yourself that you have a say in the outcome of your life. 3. Being Negative Being negative is when we choose to focus only on the disagreeable things that happen. If we dwell on the negative, that becomes our reality. I did this recently after teaching a class. In this case there were twenty six students. As I went through the students' evaluations of the course, there was one in particular that was harsh. The student felt there were \"too many irrelevant stories" and that I should have \"kept the class moving.\" While the other twenty-five evaluations were all very positive, I focused only on the one negative evaluation. Another situation was on a large, longterm project I was managing. At the end of the first year, we solicited feedback from our clients on how we were doing. There was a mix of positive and constructive feedback. I chose to focus on one negative statement. The client stated that the delivery of \"soft SELE- MANAGEMENT 73 ware was often late and of poor quality.\" To this day, that is the only piece of feedback that I remember from the meeting and the client feedback. In both of these cases, I vividly remember the negative comments and little if anything else. I chose to focus on the negative only. We can also be negative by ignoring or discounting the positives. In stead of focusing on the negative, we choose to discount or reject examples where we did well or were successful. We find a reason for the positive not to count because it wasn't good enough or because anyone would have done the same thing if they were in our shoes. This type of thinking really strips us of the happiness and satisfaction we should experience. I sometimes do this to myself by hiding behind my project team. When there is a success on a project, I say to myself \"this was the result of having a strong team,\" or \"any PM could have succeeded in this situation.\" Negative thinking and behavior can be so ingrained that you are un able to see it without the help of others. If you are a person who focuses on the negative, you may not be aware of it. You can start by asking your friends and family if they see you as a negative person. Breaking the habit of being negative can be tough. If you do find out that you are negative, ask others for support. Practice finding the positive in every situation, in yourself and your performance, and in every other person. 4. Filling in the Blanks We fill in the blanks when we interpret things a certain way, usually nega tively, without any facts to support our interpretation. We attribute a negative interpretation to a person or situation without any justication. For example, consider a situation where you've submitted a project proposal to a client. If the client does not get back to you immediately, you may jump to the conclusion that they did not like you or your proposal. You may start to think things like \"that was a waste of time, I shouldn't have spent my time working on that.\" A more accurate interpretation is that you simply expected the client to respond faster than they actually did. 5. Should Statements The word \"should\" is a red flag. It has many negative connotations and where possible I advise you to strike it from your vocabulary. When someone tells you that you should do something or should have done something, they are meddling, controlling, or shaming you. Should is a word that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. You may direct should statements at yourself with the intent to moti vate. You might say something like, \"I should have known better than to trust Jeremy\" or \"I shouldn't have told them they could take until Monday on the Copyright 2007. Amacom. All vighls resented. 7!. Project Managtmmr Begin: with SelfMdmIgrmmr e ivera e.\" Should statements can lead to uilt and frustration. If ou use d l bl g y should on yourself or on others, stop. It is unhealthy. One way to overcome use of the word should is to use \"I want\" state ments. Instead of saying, \"you should turn in your status report by Friday\" (or worse, \"you should have turned in your status report last Friday\"), say \"I want you to turn in your status report by Friday\" The expression \"I want\" is a more direct and clean way of stating your expectations for the desired behavior. 6. Personalization and Blame Personalization is when we take responsibility for events that are not entirely within our control. We take personally what could be simply a random event. We might combine personalization with a should statement and say something like \"I should never have said that tojonathan; he quit the team because of me.\" Personalization can be tricky for PMs and leaders. Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to take responsibility for the results or outcomes of the team we are leading. Sometimes we need to step up and say, "That was my fault.\" How ever, it is not always healthy to take responsibility for everything that happens. Blame is the opposite of personalization. This is when we are quick to affix the blame for an event or incident. Blame is when we put the responsi biliry for ourselves and our situation on others. A more balanced approach is to think of the principle of coAcreation. We cocreate everything that happens to us. We are partly responsible and others are partly responsible. We will talk more about cocreation in Chap ter 6, Relationship Management. Identifying Your Own Patterns of Stinking Thinking The common theme with all stinking thinking is its negative connotation. We are choosing to be negative instead of positive. This thinking often rep resents our own fears and dark thoughts. The first step toward overcoming stinking thinking is to recognize what you are experiencing. This type of thinking is a habit and perhaps one that we have had for our whole lives. We need to be able to see and recognize the habit before we are able to change or eliminate it. As with the other sel management concepts we have talked about, we can use some of the follow ing techniques to overcome distorted thinking: Journal Keep a journal of what has occurred, your thoughts, and your feelings. You can use this to track back and understand how your negative thoughts are impacting you. Get Help from a Friend Get input from a trusted friend, spouse, co-worker, boss, or mentor. Use their feedback to see where your thinking is distorted. Seek Professional Help As noted earlier, you may need to seek professional help if you get stuck and cannot get to the next level without it. Good News About Emotional Breakdowns There is some good news about emotional breakdowns. First, they are pre dictable. If we can identify the triggers that set us off, we can begin to predict when we are vulnerable and are likely to experience a breakdown. That pre dictability is good because it can help us to avoid or reduce the severity of the breakdown. Second, breakdowns often escalate slowly. We don't normally go from a calm and peaceful state directly into a breakdown. Rather, there is more likely a series of steps we go through that builds until we are primed for a break down. That slow escalation cm provide time for us to interrupt the process and prevent the breakdown. Knowing that breakdowns are predictable and esca late slowly gives us motivation to interrupt the breakdown before it occurs. I Techniques to Improve Our Self-Management A Three-Step Process for Self-Management We have talked about the need for PMs to use selfmanagement and self control when it comes to emotions. Before we move from a focus on self management in this chapter to a focus on others in Chapter 5, I would like to introduce a three-step process that can be used for selfmanagement. This pro cess will help us to improve our selfcontrol and avoid emotional breakdowns. As we have discussed, emotional breakdowns are often predictable and escalate slowly. Leveraging our selfawareness, we can take steps to under stand the emotions and underlying cause. As shown in Figure 45, the three step process includes identifying the feeling, determining the underlying cause, and taking action to get clear. Step lIdentify the Feeling The management of emotions starts with awareness of emotions. This aware ness might simply be strong anger over a missed deliverable, unease about a Copyright 2007. Arnacom. All rights reserved. Three-Step Process for Managing Emotions Identify the Feeling 2 Determine Underlying Cause Take Action to Get Clear Figure 5- 5: Three-Step Process for Managing Our Emotions. meeting, or simply a nagging awareness of something that is not quite right. Whatever our starting point, we need to use the selfawareness techniques to identify the feeling. Once we are aware of the specific feeling or emotion, we can start to do something about it. Step 2Determine the Underlying Cause Once aware of our feeling or emotion, we need to trace back and understand the source or cause of that emotion. In the previous example of the anger over a missed deliverable, we can trace our anger back to the deliverable. But we need to look further than the simple act of missing the deliverable. We need to ask what else is leading to our anger. Are we angry because we don't tolerate mis takes? Or, are we scared because we should have monitored the progress more closely or because it will make us look bad as a PM? In the case of the unease over an important client meeting, we can trace the cause to the importance of the meeting. We are scared because the meet ing is important to us. Our bodies automatically use fear to generate adren aline that helps us prepare for the meeting and carries us through that stressful time. So it may be appropriate to feel scared. Step 3Take Action to Get Clear Once we understand the cause of the feeling or emotion, we can take action to get clear. This is critical. If we take action to get at the cause of the nega tive feelings, we can establish new ways of thinking and behaving. This doesn't necessarily mean we must take radical action. The appropriate action could be to simply recognize that our reaction was out of line or that our interpre tation of the situation caused us unnecessary anger. The Do-Over Taking action to get clear could involve a (loover. A doover is when you re peat the situation but you change your behavior to achieve a different emo tional outcome. A doover may not even involve the other person in the conflict. It might be more appropriate to scream in your car on the way home (with the windows up, of course) or punch out your pillow or mattress. Sometimes we can roleplay the event and choose to handle the situa tion in a more responsible or appropriate way. You might roleplay with some one besides the person involved in the conict, for example, a condant, peer, or coach. How would we get clear in the previous situations? We can get clear with our anger over the deliverable by meeting with the team resource re sponsible for delivering. We can explain that we are angry because of their behavior and then let them know why (it causes the client to lose condence or some other reason). We might conclude with what we would want them to do differently in the future. By telling them we were angry, we are able to get clear. I Additional Techniques for Self-Control and Self-Management The basic threestep process for selflmanagement is helpful for most situations. Here are some additional techniques you can use to manage yourself and your emotions: 1. Reduce Your Stress Level PMs should be familiar with the need to reduce stress and have at least one method that they employ. There are a multitude of stress reduction methods starting with easy things like exercise and self-care all the way through more radical approaches like getting a new job or leaving an abusive relationship. Previously discussed techniques include prayer and meditation. My coach is a big believer in using breathing techniques. The point is that there are a lot of different ways to reduce stress andl encourage you to experiment until you Copyright 2007. Am acorn. All rights [659 Ned. find one that works for you. On the other hand, if you are one of those people who thrive on stress and intentionally create it in your life, what I write here won't matter much to you anyway. 2. Conduct an Inner Dialog of Self-Parenting You may find that you benet by speaking to yourself as if you were parent ing a small child. Replace any harsh self-talk with kind and gentle words. Just don't do this out loud in front of your project team or they may think you are losing it. 3. Talk It Out with Someone Besides having several different mentors and coaches outside work, I have had the luxury over the last 2 years of having a good friend and member of my program management team who is always willing to be a sounding board for my ideas. I have found this invaluable. If you don't have someone in your pro fessional life whom you can bounce ideas off, find someone. It is a bonus if you can also ask them to hold you accountable to make changes or follow through on your commitments. Ii. Give Yourself a Time Out If you nd yourself heading toward a breakdown, give yourself a time out. Leave the building, go to lunch early, quit for the day, or just head out to the nearest coffee shop for a snack. If you are at home, you can punch a pillow or hit a bed with a tennis racquet. Some people find exercise helpful. 5. Write a Letter or E-Mail You Will Not Send A technique that Abraham Lincoln reportedly practiced was to write letters he did not plan to send. The idea is that through expressing your emotions in writing, you are able to release any emotional charge. This worked well for Abe when he used paper and pencil but may not work as well today with our modern office tools. For example, we may type an email that we don't plan to send and then actually end up sending it inadvertently. Some organizations monitor all ema.ils, even unsent ones. Other organizations use keystroke log ging software to record everything typed at a keyboard including documents, unsent email, and instant messages. SELF- MANAGEMENT 7 7 6. Use Appropriate Humor There is nothing like laughter to remind us to not take ourselves too seriously. You can crack a joke, watch a sitcom, read something funny, or find some one amusing to hang out with. Scott Adams is great at skewering PMs in the Dilbert cartoon; check out his collection online. If you can afford it, add a really funny person to your project team. Of course they would need to have an official role and work assigned to them or your project sponsors might not find it all that funny. 7. Take Care of Yourself As noted in the chapter, we need to take care of ourselves to help prevent emo tional breakdowns. This includes taking vacations, getting enough sleep, rest ing when sick, and getting support from others. Evaluate how you are doing at selfcare and select one or more of these areas to make an investment in yourself