Can someone check my elevator pitch? It's supposed to be only two minutes. I would love to have some feedback on it. Thank you!

Hello and good afternoon, my name is --. I studied and I just graduated withBachelor of Commerce major in Human Resource Management at -- University. I am interested in applying as an HR Manager to utilise my strong decision making skills and business knowledge. My goal today is to demonstrate why am I a strong match for this job opportunity. So if you don't mind, I will just mention a quick rundown of my skills.

Based on my personality test, these are the three skills that best described me. I am motivated and driven. I enjoy the challenge of working under pressure. Previously, I worked as a team leader in retail for three years. I also finished my Certificate in Business in TAFE, and it sparked my interest to pursue a commerce degree and also working in the field of training and employment. I am reliable and also organised when it comes to working with different types of people. I am cooperative considerate to the people I work with. Since I worked as a customer service assistant in a retail company, I have learned to efficiently work well in a team environment.

Throughout my academic year and past work experiences, I developed my management skills. I think your company would be an amazing place that will help me showcase my skills as they are directly transferrable to help your organisation achieve their targets. I'm leaving you my business card and contact details. I'm looking forward meeting you again. Thank you for your time.