Family Stress 17 "'ll never forget the voice breaking with emotion, the tears being held back, as Lhe eulogized his 42-year-old brother after his brother's premature death: My brother need not be idealized or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life. To be remembered simply as a good and decent man who saw wrong and tried to right it, who saw suffering and tried to heal it, who saw war and tried to stop it. Those of us who loved him and who take him to his rest today, pray that what he was to us, what he wished for others, may come to pass for all the world. As he said many times in many parts of this nation, to those he touched and who sought to touch him: Some men see things as they are. I dream things that never were and say, why not? These words were spoken in New York City's St. Patrick's Cathedral in early June of 1968 as the nation stopped to mourn with Edward Kennedy the death of his brother Robert. As I listened to the eulogy and participated in the funeral, albeit from afar, I could not help thinking of my two brothers, Stephen and Mark. Stephen, the businessman bent on making a million dollars, and Mark, the musician and artist, are as different from me as they are from each other. And yet, we are family. We grew up sharing one bedroom, fought with each other regularly, and shared the sorrows and joys accompanying twenty-some years of life under one roof. This chapter is about such bonds-family bonds-and how the changes in family life can be stressful. It describes ways to intervene between family stress and illness and disease. The Family A family is a set of intimate and personal relationships. These relationships may be legal (as in marriage) or extralegal (as in communal family groups). We speak of a family of friends, fraternity brothers, sorority sisters, and kissing cousins, using family- related terms to communicate the intimacy of these relationships. Our discussion, however, will be limited in this section to the nuclear family-a married couple and their children and the extended family-relatives other than spouses and children. Needs Satisfied by the Family One of the functions of a family is to govern societal control of reproduction and child rearing. Although there are some marriage partners who do not have children- by choice or anatomical condition-for those who do have them, the societal expecta- tion is that these children will be raised within a family structure. This family may take many forms. The family may also provide economic support. Food, clothing, and shelter are provided by family members who assist one another in their various tasks and functions. For example, one family member might cook the food that another family member earns money to buy, or both marriage partners may take jobs outside the home to earn money to eat out. While children are growing up, they are supported by the more self-sufficient family members (parents, older siblings, nuclear family A married couple and their children. extended family Relatives other than spouses and children. In addition to dealing with important things, the effective family has fun together. 418 Part 5 Specific Applications or other relatives), and their physiological, safety, and security needs are provided for. Lastly, the family may provide for many emotional needs. It can provide love, eliminate feelings of isolation, foster a sense of belong- ing, and teach you that others are concerned about and care for you. In a family you can really be yourself-even your worst self-and usually still feel you belong to the group. Your family may not like your behavior or your decisions, but you'll still be welcome for Thanksgiving dinner, so to speak. Families can also serve you well in times of crisis. As we noted earlier in this book, having people with whom you can discuss your problems (social support) can help prevent you from becoming ill from those problems. These words describing the needs families can meet convey the role of the family only in an academic, intellectual sense. For many people, family life serves a real emotional need as well. They have been made to feel secure and loved and have developed a sense of belonging from their families. I'm reminded of a story I recently read in the newspaper of an automobile accident in which a family of five was involved. The car crash killed the father, mother, and two young children, but the two-year-old daughter, who wore a seat belt, survived. As I read the story, my heart went out to this child, and I felt her loss. By that, I do not mean I was concerned about who would care for her, feed her, or shelter her. Rather, I was feeling her irreplaceable loss-the loss of her blood relatives, whose connection with her could never be totally compensated. There's something about the family bond that makes it unique. Now, having said all of that, we need to recognize that not all families function as described. Some parents are abusive, some family members are separated from each other, and some people are so impoverished (financially, emotionally, or morally) that the last thing on their minds is helping to satisfy family needs. There are single-parent families, blended families, same-sex families, and dysfunctional families. And there are families whose members just don't know any better or who are so busy providing some of the needs (e.g., economic support) that other needs go unmet (e.g., love). However, when the family is effective, it can be such a major influence that nothing can compare with s effect on your total existence and future. The Changing Family The predominant family style in America is the breadwinning father, homemaking mother, and resident children. Right? Wrong! Check out these surprising statistics about family life in 2009 America': Just over 124 million U.S. adults (49 percent of the adult population) were married and living with a spouse. Among 25- to 29-year-olds, 68 percent of men (over 7 million) had never been married, as were 54 percent of women (6 million) never married. Of parents with children under 18 years of age, 72 percent lived with their spouses. Just over 10 percent of adults (25 million) were currently divorced. Twenty-two percent of all children under 18 lived with a single parent. Of children living with a single parent, 85 percent lived with their mothers, and 15 5 percent lived with their fathers. Sixty-four percent of children under 18 years of age are living with two parents, 28 percent are living with one parent, and 4 percent are living with no parent (they live with grandparents, other relatives, nonrelatives, or in some other arrangement). Covenant Marriages In 1997, Louisiana passed a law requiring couples applying for marriage licenses to choose one of two types of marital contracts. The Standard Marital Contract allows married partners to divorce after living separately for six months, or immediately if one spouse is guilty of adultery, has been sentenced to prison, or dies. The Covenant Marital Contract allows the couple to divorce only after they have lived apart for two years or after one spouse commits adultery, is sentenced to prison for a felony, abandons the home for at least a year, or physically or sexually abuses the spouse or child, and the couple must participate in premarital counseling from either a member of the clergy or a counselor. In other words, with a Covenant Marital Contract, the couple waive their right to a no-fault (easily obtained) divorce. The intent is to require couples deciding to marry to consider their commitment and to make sure they are making the right decision, then, when problems in the marriage surface, as they do in most marriages, to encourage couples to work through these problems rather than take the easy route to divorce. However, opponents argue that marriages that are in trouble only create distress for the couple and negatively influence children. If you were about to become married, which contract would you choose? 417 Fewer than half (43 percent) of married-couple households have children under 18 years of age living at home. However, children older than 18 years of age also move back in with their parent(s) or never move out. Those who move out and return because of divorce, economic hardship, or myriad other reasons-are some- times referred to as boomerang children. A record 57 million Americans, or 18.1 percent of the population of the United States, lived in multi-generational family households in 2012, double the number who lived in such households in 1980. Young adults ages 25 to 34 have been a major component of the growth in the population living with multiple generations since 1980 and especially since 2010. By 2012, 22.6 percent of these young adults lived in multi-generational households, up from 18.7 percent in 2007 and 11 percent in 1980. Of family households with children under 18, 30 percent were maintained by single parents; there were almost 17 million mother-child family groups and 3 million father-child family groups. Types of households are depicted in Figure 17.1.4 Other nonfamily 2007 households 6% boomerang children Children who leave home to live elsewhere but subsequently return to live with the parents Figure 17.1 Households by type, 2009. Source: U.S. Census Bureau. Statistical Abstracts of the United States, 2011 (Washington, DC: US Census Bureau, 2010, 54 Married couple with children 20% Women living alone 15% Men living Married couple without children alone 12% 29% Other family households 18% 17 Family Stress 419 Marriage can be quite joyful, with couples sharing happy occasions. At the same time, marriage can be stressful as two people who lived apart now must accommodate each other. cohabitation Romantically involved couples living together although not married. Marriage Many aspects of marriage have remained unchanged for centuries, and many others have changed radically. June marriages are still the most popular, more adults still get married rather than remain single, marriage is still a legal entity requiring a marriage license and a marriage ceremony (either civil or religious), and more women still take their husband's last name than do not. On the other hand, marriage has changed considerably over the years. People of the same sex may now be legally married. In 2012, among 15- to 44-year-olds, 54 percent of men and 62 percent of women have been married. Conversely, 46 percent of men and 38 percent of women in that age group have never been married. Not surprisingly, as people age they are more likely to marry. Whereas, 31 percent of men and 44 percent of women were married by age 25, 56 percent of men and 68 percent of women were married by age 30. By age 35, 71 percent of men and 78 percent of women have been married. Marriage can be quite joyful, but even in the best of marriages it can also be quite stressful. Are you ready for marriage? Complete Lab 17.1 at the end of this chapter to help you decide. What kind of person would you prefer to marry? Completing Lab 17.2 will help you answer that question. Cohabitation More and more people choose to live with someone with whom they are romantically involved but to whom they are not married. Between 1970 and 1976, the number of people living together with someone of the opposite sex without marrying doubled to 1.3 million people. Until around 1970, cohabitation was illegal in all 50 states. People between the ages of 20 and 24 are most likely to be currently cohabiting, with ages 25 to 29 next most likely. About a third of all adults, and 4 in 10 under the age of 50, have been in a cohabiting relationship with someone with whom they were not married. The National Survey of Family Growth found that women were increasingly likely to cohabit with a partner as a first union rather than to marry directly: 48 percent of women in 2010 cohabited as a first union. By age 20, 26 percent of women in 2010 had cohabited. By age 25, over one-half of women (55 percent) in 2010 had cohabited. In 2010, 62 percent of women aged 25 to 29, 61 percent of women aged 30 to 34, and 47 percent of women aged 35 to 44 had cohabited. The increase in cohabitation among younger women suggests a rising trend premarital co- habitation in recent years. Since 1995, the length, median duration, of first premarital cohabitations has increased, regardless of whether these unions remained intact, transitioned to mar- riage, or had dissolved. The length of first premarital cohabitations for women aged 15 to 44 in 2010 was 22 months. Forty percent of first cohabitations transi- tioned to marriage, by three years, 32 percent remained cohabiting, and 27 percent of these relationships dissolved. Nearly one out of five women experienced a pregnancy in the first year of a first premarital cohabitation. In fact, about one-half of nonmarital births occur to cohabiting women. When asked why they decided to live together rather than marry, 21 percent of cohabiting couples stated they wanted to be sure this was the person for them, 15 percent responded the timing for marriage was not right, 12 percent reported it was convenient or easier than marriage, and 10 percent cohabited rather than marry for financial reasons. Cohabitation prevalent on college campuses but is not exclusive to young adults. Many elderly people who are widowed are living together because of the financial benefits their two separate Social Security checks may be larger than 420 Part 5 Specific Applications Year Rate per 1,000 Population 2012 2007 3.6 2000 3.0 2005 3.6 3.0 2004 3.7 2003 2001 2000 4.1 1995 1991 4.7 1985 1981 _ 1975 1070 1970 4.8 3.5 1965 1960 2.2 Table 17.1 Divorce Rates: United States, 1960 to 2012 Sources: National Center for Health Statistics, "Annual Summary of Births, Marriages, Divorces, and Deaths: United States, 1982, Monthly Vital Statistics Report 41(28 September 1993), 4-5, "National Center for Health Statistics, Births, Marriages, Divorces, and Deaths for 1995,"Monthly Vital Statistics Report 44(24 July 1996) 1; National Center for Health Statistics, "Births, Marriages, Divorces, and Deaths for 1996,"Monthly Vital Statistics Report 45(17 July 1997), 1; US Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States, 1999, National Center for Health Statistics, "Births, Mariages, Divorces, and Deaths Provisional Data for 2003" National Vital Statistics Report 5210 June 2004), 1; National Center for Health Statistics, "Births, Marriages, Divorces, and Deaths: Provisional Data for 2006," National Vital Statistics Reports 55 August 28, 2007), 1. National Center for Health Statistics, "National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends." National Vital Statistics System, 2009. Available at www.cdc.gov/nchs/hissimard tables.htm. B.Tejada-Vera and P. D. Sutton, "Births Marriages, Divorces, and Deaths: Provisional Data for 2009." National Vital Statistics Reports, vol. 58, no. 25 (Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics. 2010; US Census Bureau, Marriage and Divorce, 2015. Available at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/stats/marriage-divorce.htm one check when remarried-or because they feel no need to formalize their union. The separated and divorced are also choosing to cohabit more than in the past. Divorce Table 17.1 shows the divorce rate from 1960 through 2012. As can be seen, the di- vorce rate rose consistently from 1960 to about 1981; it has been dropping ever since. The federal government has ceased collecting and publishing divorce statistics but as of 2008, 10 percent of Americans were divorced. That amounted to almost 23 million divorced men and women. When broken down by gender, 9 percent of men (almost 10 million) and 11 percent of women (over 13 million) were divorced. As you might guess, large numbers of children are affected by their parents' divorce. In 1970, merely 12 percent of children lived with one parent. By 2008, that number had increased to 31 percent. Single-Parent Families The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the number of families maintained by one parent increased by 80 percent from 1970 to 1980. By 2014, approximately 23 per- cent of all families with children still at home were maintained by one parent.10 Eighty-four percent of the one-parent families were headed by women in 2014. That amounts to over 945,000 million families. In addition, 10 million one-parent fami- lies were headed by men. This number of single-parent families is a result of in- creased marital separation, divorce, and out-of-wedlock pregnancies rather than widowhood. Further, in 2014, 66 percent of African American families with children single-parent families Families in which the father or the mother is absent because of divorce, marital separation, out-of-wedlock pregnancy, or death. 17 Family Stress 421 Family Insight To learn things about your family about which even you are unaware, try this activity: draw a picture of your family participating piece of paper. some activity. Do this now on a separate The next time you are with a group of people-perhaps in class-ask several people to look at your drawing and, on its back, write one sentence describing their perceptions of either the family in general or any member in particular. You will be surprised how people who may not know you or any other members of your family very well can be so accurate in their perceptions of your family. I'll give you some examples now of how this works, but, since these examples may influence what you draw, don't read on until your drawing In one group that I asked to do this activity, a woman drew a picture of herself at the ironing board, with her husband on his back on the rug with their baby held up in his extended arms. Several written comments noted that it seemed she did the housework while her husband relaxed and had fun. She said, "Yes, you know, that's true. I'm going to speak to him about helping out." effort complete. Another group included a man who drew himself, his wife, and his son in some activity, with his daughter doing something else at some distance from the other three. Several comments suggested that the daughter seemed left out of family activities. The man thought about this for a while and agreed. He said he was going to make conscious to include his daughter in family activities from then on. When you have other people comment on your drawing, do not reject any comments without giving them thought. Perhaps you were not consciously aware of some aspects of your family dynamics but subconsciously attuned to them so that they were included in your drawing. Of course, those commenting on your drawings will probably not be psychoanalysts, but my experience is that their comments will be insightful. What's more, their comments will help you to begin improving your family's effectiveness and making your family life less stressful. Although most single-parent families are headed by women, men also can be, and often are, effective single parents. 422 Part 5 Specific Applications at home, 42 percent of Hispanic families with children at home, and 26 percent of 11 white families with children at home were maintained by one parent. Gay and Lesbian Families Should gay and lesbian couples be allowed to adopt children? Some people argue that children raised in a gay or lesbian household are especially likely to adopt homo- sexual lifestyle. They strongly lament the lack of male and female gender role models during children's developmental years. They warn that homosexuality is sinful, and they believe that children should not be allowed to be brought up in sinful homes. Other people argue that there is no reason to believe, or evidence to indicate, that children raised by gays and lesbians are more likely than other children to become homosexuals themselves. Furthermore, they continue, gay and lesbian households can be as ethical, spiritual, or religious as any other household, for sexual orientation does not preclude a moral setting in which children can be raised. One way in which gays and lesbians are reacting to this societal debate is by conceiving children through artificial insemination or other means. In that way, they need not seek the approval of adoption agencies to establish a family with children. Both gay couples and lesbian couples are parenting such children.