How to Date a Browngirl, Blackgirl, ried about nothing. Don't panic. Say, Hey, no problem. Run a hand through your hair like Whitegirl, or Halfie the whiteboys do even though the only thing that runs easily through your hair is Africa. She will look good. The white ones are the ones you want the most, aren't they, but usually the out-of-towners are black, blackgirls who Wait for your brother and your mother to leave the apartment. You've grew up with ballet and Girl Scouts, who have three cars in their driveways. If ady told them that you're feeling too sick to go to Union City to visit that she's a halfie don't be surprised that her mother is white. Say, Hi. Her moms who likes to squeeze your nuts. (He's gotten big, she'll say.) And even will say hi and you'll see that you don't scare her, not really. She will say that ugh your moms knows you ain't sick you stuck to your story until finally she needs easier directions to get out and even though she has the best direc- said, Go ahead and stay, malcriado. tions in her lap give her new ones. Make her happy. Clear the government cheese from the refrigerator. If the girl's from the You have choices. If the girl's from around the way, take her to El Cibao race stack the boxes behind the milk. If she's from the Park or Society Hill for dinner. Order everything in your busted-up Spanish. Let her correct you if le the cheese in the cabinet above the oven, way up where she'll never she's Latina and amaze her if she's black. If she's not from around the way Leave yourself a reminder to get it out before morning or your moms will Wendy's will do. As you walk to the restaurant talk about school. A local girl k your ass. Take down any embarrassing photos of your family in the won't need stories about the neighborhood but the other ones might. Supply npo, especially the one with the half-naked kids dragging a goat on a rope the story about the loco who'd been storing canisters of tear gas in his base- sh. The kids are your cousins and by now they're old enough to understand ment for years, how one day the canisters cracked and the whole neighbor- y you're doing what you're doing. Hide the pictures of yourself with hood got a dose of the military strength stuff. Don't tell her that your moms Afro. Make sure the bathroom is presentable. Put the basket with all the knew right away what it was, that she recognized its smell from the year the pped-on toilet paper under the sink. Spray the bucket with Lysol, then United States invaded your island. se the cabinet. Hope that you don't run into your nemesis, Howie, the Puerto Rican kid Shower, comb, dress. Sit on the couch and watch TV. If she's an outsider with the two killer mutts. He walks them all over the neighborhood and every father will be bringing her, maybe her mother. Neither of them want her now and then the mutts comer themselves a cat and tear it to shreds, Howie ing any boys from the Terrace - people get stabbed in the Terrace - but laughing as the cat flips up in the air, its neck twisted around like an owl, red e's strong-headed and this time will get her way. If she's a whitegirl you meat showing through the soft fur. If his dogs haven't cornered a cat, he will ow you'll at least get a hand job. walk behind you and ask, Hey, Yunior, is that your new fuckbuddy? The directions were in your best handwriting, so her parents won't think Let him talk. Howie weighs about two hundred pounds and could eat I're an idiot. Get up from the couch and check the parking lot. Nothing. If you if he wanted. At the field he will turn away. He has new sneakers, and girl's local, don't sweat it. She'll flow over when she's good and ready. doesn't want them muddy. If the girl's an outsider she will hiss now and say, netimes she'll run into her other friends and a whole crowd will show up at What a fucking asshole. A homegirl would have been yelling back at him the ir apartment and even though that means you ain't getting shit it will be whole time, unless she was shy. Either way don't feel bad that you didn't do anyway and you'll wish these people would come over more often. Some- anything. Never lose a fight on a first date or that will be the end of it. hes the girl won't flow over at all and the next day in school she'll say sorry, Dinner will be tense. You are not good at talking to people you don't ile and you'll be stupid enough to believe her and ask her out again. know. A halfie will tell you that her parents met in the Movement, will say, Wait and after an hour go out to your corner. The neighborhood is full of Back then people thought it a radical thing to do. It will sound like something ffic. Give one of your boys a shout and when he says, Are you still waiting her parents made her memorize. Your brother once heard that one and said, that bitch? say, Hell yeah Man, that sounds like a whole lot of Uncle Tomming to me. Don't repeat this. Get back inside. Call her house and when her father picks up ask if she's Put down your hamburger and say, It must have been hard. re. He'll ask, Who is this? Hang up. He sounds like a principal or a police She will appreciate your interest. She will tell you more. Black people, let, the sort of dude with a big neck, who never has to watch his back. Sit she will say, treat me real bad. That's why I don't like them. You'll wonder d wait. By the time your stomach's ready to give out on you, a Honda or how she feels about Dominicans, Don't ask. Let her speak on it and when ybe a Jeep pulls in and out she comes. you're both finished eating walk back into the neighborhood. The skies will be magnificent. Pollutants have made Jersey sunsets one of the wonders of the Aunt. world. Point it out. Touch her shoulder and say, That's nice, right? A spoiled or ill-mannered child. Get serious. Watch TV but stay alert. Sip some of the Bermudez your