JUNOT DIAZ How to Date a Browngirl, Blackgirl, Whitegirl, or Halfie Wait for your brother and your mother to leave the apartment. You've ady told them that you're feeling too sick to go to Union City to visit that who likes to squeeze your nuts. (He's gotten big, she'll say.) And even ugh your moms knows you ain't sick you stuck to your story until finally said, Go ahead and stay, malcriado.? Clear the government cheese from the refrigerator. If the girl's from the race stack the boxes behind the milk. If she's from the Park or Society Hill e the cheese in the cabinet above the oven, way up where she'll never Leave yourself a reminder to get it out before morning or your moms will k your ass. Take down any embarrassing photos of your family in the npo, especially the one with the half-naked kids dragging a goat on a rope sh. The kids are your cousins and by now they're old enough to understand y you're doing what you're doing. Hide the pictures of yourself with Afro. Make sure the bathroom is presentable. Put the basket with all the pped-on toilet paper under the sink. Spray the bucket with Lysol, then se the cabinet. Shower, comb, dress. Sit on the couch and watch TV. If she's an outsider father will be bringing her, maybe her mother. Neither of them want her ing any boys from the Terrace - people get stabbed in the Terrace - but 's strong-headed and this time will get her way. If she's a whitegirl you ow you'll at least get a hand job. The directions were in your best handwriting, so her parents won't think I're an idiot. Get up from the couch and check the parking lot. Nothing. If girl's local, don't sweat it. She'll flow over when she's good and ready. metimes she'll run into her other friends and a whole crowd will show up at ir apartment and even though that means you ain't getting shit it will be i anyway and you'll wish these people would come over more often. Some hes the girl won't flow over at all and the next day in school she'll say sorry, ile and you'll be stupid enough to believe her and ask her out again. Wait and after an hour go out to your corner. The neighborhood is full of ffic. Give one of your boys a shout and when he says, Are you still waiting that bitch? say, Hell yeah. Get back inside. Call her house and when her father picks up ask if she's re. He'll ask, Who is this? Hang up. He sounds like a principal or a police lef, the sort of dude with a big neck, who never has to watch his back. Sit d wait. By the time your stomach's ready to give out on you, a Honda o ybe a Jeep pulls in and out she comes
