Listen

Connecting with Every Child You may use past experiences if you have them, but if you dont, you may need to observe in a program to give you ideas. The purpose is to help you see how your relationships with the children affect discipline efforts. Important elements of successful guidance include:

• A classroom with a few clear, simple rules
• The teacher models appropriate behavior
• Children are carefully shown what to expect
• Children are treated with respect
• The relationships we have with children

Think: Now spend a few minutes thinking about two teachers youve had, one with whom you had a good relationship and one with whom you didnt. Think about your relationships and how each of those teachers made you feel.

Think: Do you remember what it feels like to be in a situation where no one notices you? Think about a time you felt left out. How did it feel? What did you decide to do? Would you have come back again if you had the choice? What would have made a difference? Consider how a child feels if his teacher doesnt greet him when he arrives, doesnt ask about his ideas, doesnt notice what he does or creates, doesnt ask about his life outside of school.

Think: Think about a day when everything went wrong. If you tried to share your struggles with co-workers, friends or family, what kind of response would help? Typical messages we hear are

• Judgment Its your fault youre too soft.
• Advice/Fix it Ill fix it for you. Ill show you how.
• Denial You shouldnt feel that way. All you do is play
• Acknowledgement: Wow, what a hard day!

Write Part 1: Share about a time you were upset when all you wanted was someone to acknowledge what you were feeling. Maybe you were feeling disappointed or upset about not getting a job, had experienced a loss, or were just having a hard day. Maybe what you remember is someone who acknowledged your experience in a way that helped.

Think: Typically we have the best relationships with children who respond to us, like us and go along with our agenda. Often we dont have very positive relationships with children who struggle. Not only do these children take extra attention, but they probably dont give us the positive feedback we get from others. Which children do you think are most in need of positive relationships with their teacher? What are ways we can connect with children? Are the ways we connect with peers similar to the ways we connect with children? Teachers generally feel obligated to like the children in their classroom. Developing good relationships with children is something that feels expected and appropriate, but teachers seldom have help learning how to build and maintain positive relationships with children. Developing the skill of acknowledging children is one important way we can build relationships, even with children we may not initially like. To acknowledge children we can:

• Describe what children think, do and feel
• Let children know they are seen and heard

This in turn:

• Communicates out interest in what they do
• Shows we understand what they feel
• Makes them feel valued
• Helps build positive relationships

Its hard to find time to acknowledge each child, but children respond to even the smallest moments of attention. When teachers use a childs name, make eye contact, smile, nod, shake hands, seem pleased the child is there, children will feel respected and valued.

Think: Think about a typical classroom. What are ways you could acknowledge children? If possible, think about this while you are actually in a situation with children. How can you respond to them and show them you notice what they are doing? Look at a group of children and think of one thing you could say to each of them so they know they are noticed.

Think: As teachers we sometimes get so absorbed in teaching specifics concepts, numbers, shapes that we overlook moments to connect with children. One way to think about this is that there are teachable moments: and connecting moments. Sometimes they are the same moment, sometimes not. Once example is a child is stringing wooden beads. She says to the teacher Cory, that they stretch all the way up to my knees (while pointing at her shoulders). The teacher can make a decision to correct the child, and use a teachable moment, or not to correct the child and have a connecting moment. The teacher knows there will be another time to talk about knees and shoulders. For a child, having a teachers full attention, even for a moment, is a powerful experience. A child receives the implicit message what I do is important. Over time, the child translates this into: I am important. When a child who is struggling receives this acknowledgement, it can make a big difference.

Write Part 2: Pick one of the following discipline situations that mean something to you. Describe the situation. Try to think of some possible strategies you could use the next time you have the problem.

1. Remember a child in your classroom whose misbehavior you tried to stop but couldnt. Yet another adult you knew could easily redirect the child.

2. As a student teacher you try to help two children solve a problem, but it doesnt work. Then your supervising teacher steps in and using almost the same words, quickly defuses the situation.

3. You are babysitting for a new family or substitute teaching in a new classroom and you cant get the children to behave.

Think: Acknowledging feeling is an important way we can connect with children. Young children have intense feelings. Often they dont know what to do with them, and sometimes we dont either. When we learn to acknowledge these feelings, we find that it makes a difference. We will be supporting the child in the moment and our caring will strengthen the relationship between us.

• Acknowledging feelings is
• Describing what we see
• Giving words to feelings
• Really listening
• Reflecting back what the child ways
• Showing empathy and concern

Acknowledging feelings is NOT:

• Hurrying the child to get over it
• Denying feelings
• Blaming or correcting
• Redirecting the childs attention

Think: A child is looks on after another child tells him he doesnt want to play with him right now. He begins sobbing. A teacher tells the child what he sees, I can see the tears just coming down and then labels the feelings youre really sad. The childs feelings are affirmed, and soon the child quiets down. Think of how you could acknowledge:

1. A child who is hurt (remember to attend to feelings first). The child who is upset will not be able to our information.
2. A boy upset over a wet streamer. (A childs feelings so not always make sense to us, as adults. Bit if we are honest, our feelings dont always make sense either.)
3. Boy laying on floor (we dont always know just what the child is feeling, but we can ask or make our best guess)
4. Girl upset and we dont know why
5. Girl upset over blocks that have been knocked down.

Write Part 3: Notice a child who needs acknowledging. Describe the situation what happened before, the childs reaction, what you said and did. How do you think it made each of you feel?

Reference: Guidance Approach for the Encouraging Classroom 6th edition

Dan Gartrell

Cengage

2014