Strategies for Managing Everyday Conflict

WomensMedia's Conflict Resolution

By Dianne Schilling

This Seminar examines two more conflict strategies, Postponing and Compromise. But first, an observation about the structure of conflict that might shed some light on recurring battles in your life:

All conflicts have two major components. One is the content of the conflict -- the specific issue being argued. The other part has to do with the relationship between you and the other person. Very often it's the relationship component of a conflict that you are attempting to accelerate when you pick a fight over a relatively minor content issue. For example, let's say you are in a dispute with the manager of another department over the deadline for a report. That's the content part of the conflict. The underlying struggle has to do with which of you gets to make the decision, so the conflict is being used to define how you relate to each other. Here's another example: You and your mate are arguing about how to discipline your child. One of you wants a lengthy restriction of privileges, the other prefers a serious discussion of the offense followed by some extra chores. That's the content. The relationship part of the conflict revolves around whose discipline decisions take precedence. Settling the content issue in either one of these examples ought to be fairly easy. However, if unresolved, the relationship component of the conflict merely rests on "idle" until fueled by a new issue.

Now for the conflict strategies:

Postponing

Postponing is putting off until tomorrow what neither you nor the other person is prepared to deal with today. It differs from avoiding (which we examined in a previous Seminar) in that postponing is a low-level, handshake type of preliminary agreement. The ability to jointly agree to put off dealing with a conflict until you have cooled off, are more rested, or have your facts straight requires control and skill. Postponement works best when two conditions are present: First, be sure to acknowledge the emotional content of the conflict even while deferring other issues to a later time. "I can see you're upset, however . . ." Second, when you postpone dealing with a conflict, do so openly and in collaboration with the other person. Postponing is a strategy, not an escape hatch, so before going your separate ways, establish the time and place of your next contact.

What to Say:

Postponing requires agreement, so say something like: I'm simply not up to this right now, are you? Can we meet tomorrow? -- or -- I think we're both too upset to be effective. Let's talk on Friday, after we've had a few days to calm down.

Cautions:

*

Postponement does not work well if the other person thinks he's being put off, never to return to the issue. Vague statements such as, "we'll have to work on this later," or "let's all try harder to get along," are give-aways that the person making the statement has no intention of voluntarily coming back to the conflict issue. When you are in a conflict and hear statements like these coming from the other person, strongly reaffirm your commitment to resolving the conflict and insist on setting a date and time for doing so.

*

Don't postpone a conflict when everyone demonstrates the energy and desire to resolve it immediately. If you postpone (or let the other person postpone) without good reason, you run the risk of wasting a valuable resource -- emotional investment.

Compromise

This is a middle-of-the-road strategy that gets everyone talking about the issues and moves you closer to each other and to a resolution. In compromise, each person has something to give and something to take. Compromise is most effective when issues are complex and power balanced. Compromise can be chosen when other methods have failed and when both you and your opponent are looking for middle ground, willing to exchange concessions. It almost always means giving up something in order to attain part of what you want. Negotiation and bargaining are complementary skills.

What to Say:

Set the negotiating stage by saying something like: Obviously, we have different opinions. What is the bottom line for you? -- or -- We're each going to have to give a little in order settle this issue. Let's see what we can come up with.

Cautions:

*

Compromise works best when both you and the other person are "right," but simply have different values or opinions. It doesn't work well at all when one side is clearly wrong. You wouldn't advise an employee or colleague to compromise with sexual harrassment.

*

Before entering into a compromise, be clear in your own mind concerning which of your needs and wants are negotiable and which are not.

(I need a 200-300 word summary on this article please).