This email is poorly written. Read the weaknesses I have listed and what is needed for improvement. Weaknesses:

Fails to provide a meaningful subject line. 

Does not open directly with a statement summarizing the message or with the most important question. 

Buries the call to action at the end of the first paragraph instead of at the end of the message where readers expect to find it.

Reduces readability by failing to list concise questions in bulleted form. 

Suffers from wordiness and imprecision throughout.

 

What you need to do: 

Subject line: Summarize the content of the message

Opening: Open directly by stating the main idea concisely in a full sentence or question. 

Body: Provide background data and explain the main idea. List major questions in parallel form to improve readability. 

Closing: Request a specific action with an end date.

 

To: Danika Benoit From: Nathan Weintraub Subject: Interns? Hi, Danika, You may remember that some time ago our management team here at Bien talked about an internship program. The topic has come up again at this time, and I'm taking this opportunity to ask you to please answer some questions about whether this is a good idea or not. As our organization continues to expand, interns might make sense. But there are many points that we need to discuss, and I've put together a few questions that I think we should cover at the next management meeting. Please mark your calendar to meet on March 14 at 9 a.m. in the morning. First, we really need to discuss whether an internship program is advantageous to us here at Bien. In addition, what are the disadvantages? Next, what are some of the ramifications legally of hosting an internship program here in our state? Another question that enters my mind is whether we should pay interns. Do they receive college credit instead? I wonder if that serves as satisfactory compensation. Finally, we need to discuss where this program would be launched within Bien. What departments would pilot such a program? I hope you will give careful thought to these questions and come prepared to discuss. Nathan Weintraub Manager, Human Resources | nweintraub@bien.com | Cell: 566.201.9033