be conveyed directly or indirectly. b) Reproaches vary from aggravating (threatening and severe) to mitigating (mild). The nature of the reproach affects the account (the response to the reproach). If a person knows he or she has failed to live up to an expectation, they may self-initiate an account. a) Accounts may be in the form of apologies, excuses, justifications, denials, or may not come at all. b) In providing an account to another, you should examine your culpability and adopt an other-oriented perspective. c) Once an account has been received, reproachers must decide whether they find the account acceptable and whether they consider the issue resolved. 3. Responding with Forgiveness Waldron and Kelley offer seven steps to achieving forgiveness: (1) Confront the transgression (2) Manage emotion (3) Engage in sense making (4) Seek forgiveness (5) Grant forgiveness (6) Negotiate values and rules (7) Transition, monitor, maintain, or renegotiate Whether forgiveness is achieved is ultimately dependent on a number of factors such as personality (including the ability to empathize), the quality of the relationship, the nature of the transgression (its severity), sincere acknowledgment of responsibility, and the perceived intentionality and selfishness of the transgressor. Deciding to forgive is also affected by the responses provided by our confidants. Forgiving is more likely when these third parties help us gain a new perspective on the transgression, provide practical advice, and encourage us to forgive our partner, 4. Responding with Retaliation Retaliation involves an attempt to hurt the partner in response to the hurt she or he has caused. Retaliation behaviors can include aggressive communication, active distancing, manipulation attempts, contacting a rival, and violence. 5. Examining a Model of Forgiveness Responses The model helps to explain why a severe offense in an unsatisfying relationship is likely to evoke retaliation, whereas a severe offense in a I be conveyed directly or indirectly. b) Reproaches vary from aggravating (threatening and severe) to mitigating (mild). The nature of the reproach affects the account (the response to the reproach). If a person knows he or she has failed to live up to an expectation, they may self-initiate an account. a) Accounts may be in the form of apologies, excuses, justifications, denials, or may not come at all. b) In providing an account to another, you should examine your culpability and adopt an other-oriented perspective. c) Once an account has been received, reproachers must decide whether they find the account acceptable and whether they consider the issue resolved. 3. Responding with Forgiveness Waldron and Kelley offer seven steps to achieving forgiveness: (1) Confront the transgression (2) Manage emotion (3) Engage in sense making (4) Seek forgiveness (5) Grant forgiveness (6) Negotiate values and rules (7) Transition, monitor, maintain, or renegotiate Whether forgiveness is achieved is ultimately dependent on a number of factors such as personality (including the ability to empathize), the quality of the relationship, the nature of the transgression (its severity), sincere acknowledgment of responsibility, and the perceived intentionality and selfishness of the transgressor. Deciding to forgive is also affected by the responses provided by our confidants. Forgiving is more likely when these third parties help us gain a new perspective on the transgression, provide practical advice, and encourage us to forgive our partner, 4. Responding with Retaliation Retaliation involves an attempt to hurt the partner in response to the hurt she or he has caused. Retaliation behaviors can include aggressive communication, active distancing, manipulation attempts, contacting a rival, and violence. 5. Examining a Model of Forgiveness Responses The model helps to explain why a severe offense in an unsatisfying relationship is likely to evoke retaliation, whereas a severe offense in a I 2 3 5. Examining a Model of Forgiveness Responses The model helps to explain why a severe offense in an unsatisfying relationship is likely to evoke retaliation, whereas a severe offense in a valued relationship is likely to evoke a conditional response, granting forgiveness on a trial basis. Whether that relationship will continue is probably dependent upon whether the victim has alternative relationships available. B. Maintaining Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) 1. The Nature of the Separation Each long-distance relationship requires specific maintenance strategies in order to be successfully managed. While temporary separation requires some adjustment and management by the partners, permanent physical separation produces different expectations, interactions, and relational management strategies. Other separations may be by choice and may raise questions about relational commitment. 2. Effects of Time between Visits How often partners are able to get together face to face also affects the impact of the physical distance. Sometimes partners are relatively close geographically but limited in how often they can get together. Research has indicated that people who are in long-distance romantic relationships but who are able to get together at least once a week can maintain relationships similar to those between people who are physically close. This distance may make it easier to maintain an idealized image of a romantic relationship when you don't spend as much time with your partner. a) Stafford and Reske found that couples in long-distance premarital relationships had less communication but greater satisfaction and higher expectations of the likelihood of marriage. b) Couples who are apart have fewer facts about their partners to get in the way. 3. Costs and Rewards Social exchange theory offers one way to analyze the survival of longdistance relationship. Distance adds to the costs of maintaining a relationship: monetary costs and time involved in commuting, and the disruption of normal routines. These costs are weighed against the rewards of how well the relationship meets your needs and expectations. Some relationships continue for a lifetime, even with little face-to-face time, because the rewards of interacting far exceed any costs. 4. Tensions Created by LDRs Tensions may arise when one person is trying to maintain both longdistance and proximal relationghing I I. Relationship Challenges A. Violating Expectations 1. Understanding Relational Expectations and Violations c) Socially based expectations violations arouse uncertainty and produce emotional reactions such as hurt and anger. d) Relationship-specific expectations may be developed in sets of implicit and explicit expectations and understandings specific to your relationship. Implicit understandings represent an unspoken compact between the partners about the relationship and each other. Explicit understandings are stated compacts and agreements. A failure event is an incident marked by the breaking of a relational understanding or agreement. Effective management of a failure event can clarify expectations as well as the relationship. e) Severity Failure events vary in their severity and impact on relationships. Failure events can include relational transgressions such as sexual transgressions, nonsexual involvement with others, deception, flirting, betraying a trust, breaking a promise, continued attachment to former partners, or failing to return affection. Relationships can be strengthened by discussing relational expectations and violations and seeking to understand your partner's assessment of the severity of any violation. 2. Responding with Discussion Failure events follow a specific pattern of interaction that involves specific decisions. Has a failure event actually occurred? (1) Does this transgression violate the culture's inherent moral code? (1) Did both parties agree to and understand the rule? (1) Was the rule appropriate and acceptable? The decision to complain or reproach a partner should be driven by desire to clarify relational expectations or to avoid the failure event in the future by modifying the partner's behaviors. a) A reproach is a message that a failure event has occurred and may be conveyed directly or indirectly. b) Reproaches vary from aggravating (threatening and severe) to mitigating (mild). The nature of the reproach affects the account (the response to the reproach).