Can you help me reword and help organize this paragprah. The () are the comments and corrections that needs to be fixed. 

 

Addley, Esther. "'It's Tough for Parents': Should Young Children Have Their Own Phone?" The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 15 Apr. 2023, www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/15/its-tough-for-parents-should-young-children-have-their-own-phone. 

 

Thesis: 

However, the rising prevalence of mobile phones in children prompts critical questions regarding their safety, health implications, and the responsibility of those around them.

 

The responsibility tied to children having mobile phones extends beyond the immediate impact on the children themselves, as explored in a Guardian article. (You need to write a clearly stated topic sentence that makes both the topic and position clear to the reader as it relates back to its corresponding point in the thesis.  In this case how the rising prevalence of mobile phones in children prompts critical questions regarding the responsibility of those around them.) (You wouldn't want to reference any article in the topic sentence.) 

 

Some economic factors play a pivotal role in shaping discussions surrounding children's phone usage, (I am not sure how economic factors argue how the rising prevalence of mobile phones in children prompts critical questions regarding the responsibility of those around them.) 

 

 a viewpoint emphasized by Jennifer Howze, the editorial director of Netmums. Howze notes the influence of economic pressures on parental decisions, revealing that parents, grappling with the escalating cost of living, are compelled to work harder to sustain their families. (Is this a paraphrase?  If so, it needs to be cited.) 

 

 "Faced with such challenges, parents may turn to providing phones as a means of keeping their children occupied during work commitments, highlighting the intricate nature of the responsibilities parents shoulder when deciding on children's access to cell phones," (Esther 10). 

 

The economic pressures further underscore the intricate choices parents must make to strike a balance between work and family life, with mobile phones serving as tools for momentary engagement and entertainment for children, allowing parents to fulfill their professional obligations. (Here, too- this is off the topic presented in the thesis.) 

 

 

While this realistic solution addresses immediate concerns, it prompts questions about potential consequences for the child's well-being and development. Recognizing the external pressures (What is the external pressures) 

 

 

influencing parental decisions, it becomes crucial to appreciate the broader responsibilities parents face in navigating these challenges. This understanding emphasizes the necessity for a balanced approach that considers not only the immediate needs of the child, but also external factors influencing parental decisions concerning mobile phone use. As the discussion transitions to the opposing side, it acknowledges the nuanced debate surrounding children having cell phones, recognizing both the responsibilities parents carry and the potential drawbacks associated with early phone exposure.