A growing body of research indicates that there is no such thing as a compatible couple. Most couples, whether they are happy or unhappy, tend to argue about the same things: money, expectations as to who should do what around the house, work obligations, kids, insufficient separation from extended family members, differing leisure activities such as a golf game or family outing, or vacation with or without the kids. As a result, marriage therapists are now attempting to help spouses manage, accept, and even honor their discord rather than trying to resolve the irresolvable. 35 In his book Dont You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!, Corey Donaldson says that the majority of issues that cause marital conflict exist before the wedding, but couples are not willing to ask or answer tough questions: Can physical violence by a mate be justified? What will we do if our child is born with a disability? Are you uncomfortable with women in high-paying jobs? Are you comfortable with my religious observance? My family? My desire for wealth? 36 Of course, asking the right premarital questions does not guarantee a relationship free from conflicts: They will and do occur in even the most solid marriages. Some experts suggest that bickering can be good for relationships. It may be one of the keys to a strong marriage because open conflict improves communication and allows each partner to vent his or her frustrations. But you need to learn how to argue effectively. Dr. Phil McGraw suggests several ways you can make your arguments as constructive as possible. 37 Decide what you want before you start an argument. Avoid simply complaining: ask for what you want. - Keep it relevant. Focus on what you are arguing about. If you stray, the argument will resurface again until the real issue is addressed. Make it possible for your partner to retreat with dignity. Avoid calling each other names that linger beyond the argument. Show your partner courtesy and respect, even if he or she is wrong. Know when to say when. If you have to give up too much of your life to maintain the relationship, maybe it is not worth it. Keep in mind that if your objective in an argument is to win, the other person has to lose. This win/ lose mind-set will only perpetuate the conflict. 38 QUESTIONS 1. Have you had a conflict at home that had an effect on your work? Explain. 2. How might the premarital questions suggested in this case have an impact on mar-ital relations? What other questions need to be answered? 3. A growing number of companies are helping employees and their spouses improve their marriage skills, Employers figure that reducing divorce and relationship stress can make workers happier and more productive. If you were developing a marriage relationship training program, what topics would you choose? 39
