Negotiations don't happen only in business situations or in leadership positions, we all need to get cooperation from others in everyday life.

Most of our decisions affect other people, and so we need to involve them:
to agree on how to share or divide a limited resource

• to create something new, or get something that neither of us can get by ourselves
• to solve a joint problem
• to resolve a dispute that we are having with the other person

We need to negotiate whenever someone has the power to influence outcomes:

• if we can't proceed with our decision unless they agree or approve
• if they have the authority or ability to veto our decisions
• if they have an equal or greater claim to something we want to use
• if they can withhold something we need, like information, access, skills or resources

Although negotiation is common, it only occurs when all of the following are true:

• There are two or more parties involved
• There is a conflict of needs and desires between the parties
• The parties are dependent on each other for the outcome, they can't get what they want alone.
• The parties must want or need a better deal than the initial offer or decision they were presented with.

It often requires a lot of time and energy for a negotiation to reach a satisfactory outcome, and since one or both parties are dependent on the other to get what they want, negotiation can quickly lead to competition, frustration and conflict.

So why do we even bother to negotiate? Well, it's often better than the alternative:

• If we don't want open hostility. To avoid a massive fight, we will try to be reasonable and bargain with the other party.
• If we can't afford to give in. There are often legitimate reasons why we can't accept the current offer or decision, so negotiation is the only way forward.
  • (If we truly believe that it's easier to walk away and let the other person have what they want, negotiation rarely happens).
• If we value a relationship. After a conflict has developed, if we don't want it to escalate to the point of breaking off contact permanently, the only alternative is to take the time and effort to reach a settlement that both parties can live with.
• If we want to keep others out of it. When it becomes impossible to talk reasonably about options and alternatives, it may be necessary to involve a mediator, lawyer, or other outsider. For some, the desire to avoid bringing others into the discussion may be reason enough to cooperate.

For reasons of pride, timing, or simple economics, many people will see negotiations as the lesser of two evils.

More About Your Negotiating Style

The model below shows the five negotiating approaches (behaviours) and the corresponding possible outcomes based on the degree to which the interests, needs and values of each party are met or unmet.

Click on the blue hot spots in the model to learn more about the drawbacks and advantages of relying on your preferred style(s).

• A high score in two or more areas may mean that you have developed negotiating approaches (either appropriate or inappropriate) in a second behavioural area that you rely on at different times or in different interactions. For example, many people find they rely on collaborative or compromise behaviors when they are at their best. However, when they feel stressed, pressured, anxious or angry, they resort to a secondary behavior such as accommodation, aggression or avoidance.

Successful negotiation involves achieving two equally important sets of objectives:

• Substance goals - getting a fair deal, getting most or all of what we want.
• Relationship goals - making sure that we keep any conflict functional so that the discussion stays rational, both parties are respected, and both feel like they were treated fairly.

This sounds easy in theory, but in practice it can be difficult due to the competitive nature of negotiations. When pitted against someone who stands in the way of something we want, we may find ourselves behaving in less than rational ways. Negative emotions may cause us to break off negotiations, not caring if we get what we want, as long as other person doesn't get what they want either. We may even want to retaliate in some way if it becomes clear the other person is not going to compromise.

Competitive behaviour becomes more likely if either party pushes too hard for their own interests. The urge to "win" will result in conflict and is likely to damage the relationship long term.

The goal of a negotiation is not just to get a deal, it's to get a good deal. This is a deal that satisfies both parties while still maintaining or even improving their working relationship.

After taking these lessons, take a few moments to answer the following questions:

1. Which interpersonal skills or approaches can you use to improve negotiations? (Since you are improving, focus on things you aren't doing or aren't doing enough of, or things you are doing too much of, to respond here).
2. Why do you think these will be beneficial to you?
3. What specific, practical, actionable steps or tactics are you going to try during your next negotiation to realize this improvement? (Eg. if your goal is to be nicer, you may practice smiling to yourself in the mirror while you are on the phone to see how your body language may be improving. The goal is nicer, and the way to achieve the goal it the step/tactic.)