20. Revise another email gone wrong.

Another angry writer sent the email below to employees of a news agency. (This is adapted from a real message—and the original was much longer.) Use the same process as in Exercise 16 to revise this email.

First, discuss the issues in class. What went wrong? How would the audience likely have reacted to this message? What was the intended communication objective? Did it likely achieve that objective?

Next, revise the message. The purpose is legitimate: to improve how people file expense reports. But the approach and tone could be much improved.

Finally, compare your version with two others drafted by your classmates. How do they differ? What are the best parts of each version?

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do Email From: Zach Frazier To: All SF Employees Subject: Expense Reports I’m looking at your recent expense reports, and it’s making me crazy. I’m nding expensive cab rides and meals, late reports, and other annoyances that need to be xed. Why take a cab for $25 when you can take a shuttle instead for less than half that?
I don’t have time to send emails individually, so here’s the line-up of problems.
Sam: Why take a $30 taxi to the hotel when there’s a subway? $59 to the airport is too much when the subway costs $5.
Peter: $72 for lunch is too high. Three people? Still too high. Two people?
Obscenely high ... What’s the $116 for Toffer? You’re wasting money on these people.
Jon: Read the policy. Max for cell phone is $50, not $67.
Melissa: What ofce are you in? You can’t tell from the blank space on your report. ... We DON’T SEND thank-you cards. What a waste. Also, the report needs your manager’s approval ... and the report should be stapled in the upper corner, not at the bottom.
Martha: Tip is too high. NEVER EVER pay over 15%.
Nellie: Calendar charge? NOT IN THE POLICY!