GETTING OUT OF THE BOX After reading Leadership and Self Deception, review your notes and comment on two of the following points: 1. What are two or three key concepts from the book that resonated most with you? How will your interpersonal relationships at work improve when you apply these concepts? 2. How do teams and organizations benefit when leaders operate out of the box? 3. Which EQ skills can be used to help you get out of the box more often and stay out of it longer? LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION REVIEW QUESTIONS \"Self-Deception\" or the \"box\" . . . 1. What is \"self-deception\"? (See the preface and chapter 3) 2. What is the source of our influence? (See pages 22-27) 3. What are the two ways I can do almost any behavior? (See pages 32-36) 4. What does it mean to see someone as a person as opposed to an object? (See page 36) Note: there are actually three ways of seeing others as objects - seeing them as obstacles, as vehicles, or as irrelevancies) 5. What is wrong with the following interpretation of the two ways of being: When I am in the box my behavior is \"hard\" or decisive, and when I am out of the box my behavior is \"soft\" or squishy? 6. In what ways does the problem of self-deception resemble the problem of childhood fever back in Semmelweis' day? (See chapter 4) How we enter the box . . . 7. What is an act of self-betrayal? (See pages 66-67) 1 8. List some of your own examples of self-betrayal (perhaps resembling the examples on pages 68 and 72). 9. What is the relationship between self-betrayal and self-deception (or in the \"box\")? (See pages 74-78) 10. What are four common characteristics of the \"box\"? (See pages 78-81) 11. How do emotions lie when we are in the \"box\"? (See pages 78-82) How we carry the box with us . . . 12. If I didn't have a sense that I betrayed, can I be in the box? (See pages 83-88) 13. What is a \"self-justifying image\" and how does it arise in self-betrayal? (See pages 83-90) 14. How is a self-justifying image the continued carrying of a box? (See page 88) 2 15. When I am carrying a box (self-justifying image) with me, what happens when someone says or does something that challenges my box (e.g., they suggest I made a mistake when I have a box that says \"I am the sort of person who doesn't make mistakes\" or they suggest something else I could be doing when I have a box that says \"I am the sort of person who does more than my fair share,\" and so on)? (See pages 83-90) 16. How are my self-justifying images \"perversions\" and what are they perversions of? (See pages 89-90) 17. If I seem to be in the box but can't identify some sense I betrayed to get in the box, what might be a helpful thing for me to consider? (See page 89) What the box does to others . . . 18. What does self-betrayal / the box tend to invite in others? (See pages 93-95) 19. What do I need most when I am in the box? (See pages 99-101) 20. So if I am in the box toward John, what is false about this statement:\"The thing I want most in the whole world is that John would stop doing what he is doing to me\"? (See pages 100-102) 21. What advantage or satisfaction do I find in mistreatment by others when I am in the box toward them? (See pages 102-105) 3 22. Who is more likely to be mistreated or taken advantage of, and why - the person who is out of the box or the person who is in? (See pages 103-104) 23. Why does Arbinger use the word \"collusion\" to describe two or more people mutually in the box toward each other? (See page 105) Ways that WON'T get me out . . . 24. Why won't trying to change others get me out of the box? (See pages 133-134) 25. Why won't coping with others work? (See pages 134-135) 26. Why won't \"leaving\" get me out of the box? (See page 135) 27. Why won't \"communicating\" get me out? (See page 136-137) 28. Why isn't getting out of the box reducible to some skill or technique? (See pages 137-138) 4 29. Why won't a change in behavior be sufficient to get me out of the box (See pages 138-140) The box is a metaphor for how I am being in a relationship with a particular person. Since I am always in relationship with multiple persons, when I am in the box toward a particular person I can be (and usually am) out of the box toward some other(s). These responsive relationships (or memories of them) give me leverage to get out of the box in other areas of my life, for they provide \"out-of-the-box\" vantage points from where I can truthfully ponder my life. When I feel stuck in any given relationship, the key to getting out is to find the outof-the-box vantage points within me from where I can think and feel clearly - out of the box places that I have by virtue of present and past out-of-the-box relationships, experiences, and memories. 30. What was the out-of-the-box place from where Tom was able to find his way out of the box toward his wife, his son, and his coworkers? (See pages 144148). Finding our own out-of-the-box places . . . 31. What memories do I have of being out of the box? Are there any relationships, locations, or activities where I find myself out of the box? 32. How can I leverage these experiences to get out of the box in other areas of my life where I might be feeling stuck? 33. Once out of the box, what must I do to stay out of the box? (See pages 132128 and 148-150) 5 34. What is wrong with the idea that staying out of the box requires that we must always be doing things for others? And why is staying in the box overwhelming and staying out is not? (See pages 151-154) Work-Life Issues 35. Identify ways that I am like Tom in the concerns I have and ways I work (think of ways I feel anxious, compete with others for attention, am critical of others, inflate others faults, fail to learn others' names, and so on) 36. If Tom and I followed Bud's advice (on pages 174-175) how would we be different? 37. Where am I blaming and colluding? Who in my professional or work life am I blaming and \"colluding\" with the way Kate was blaming and colluding with her son Bryan? 38. Imagine that nothing has changed in these situations except that I am out of the box. How might my view of these people and what they do change? 39. What might I do differently for and with them? 6 #1 and #3 What are two or three key concepts from the book that resonated most with you? How will your interpersonal relationships at work improve when you apply these concepts? The first key concept that really resonated with me is that when I am in the box and I am making excuses (self-justifying world), my view of reality becomes distorted. You make it the other person's fault and you did not do any misbehavior. To use the crying baby example, you made the decision to not get out of bed yourself to get the child, but only after you made that decision you start to see your wife as lazy, a bad wife, a bad mother and etc. I do not have kids so that is not a perfect example for me, but I know that at work I fall into this trap a lot. I tend to view co-workers as incompetent, not as good as me, or inferior in their skill set. I make everything into a competition. It is a terrible mindset to be in. I need to re-analyze what decision I am making that leads me to these justifications. Most likely it is not sharing what is right to share. I will hold information that could have helped my co-workers. By sharing this information, I can improve my relationships with my co-workers and benefit the company as a whole rather than only taking care of myself. The second key concept that really resonates with me is a continuation of the first concept that resonated with me. After you start making excuses, you start to believe your own lies and begin to see the world in a perverted sense. Even though your logic may make sense, as you remain in the box you will act in collusion. You will maintain behaviors that keep you in the box in a vicious cycle. This cycle is perpetuated by another party that provides justification to your behaviors. The big part of this lesson that stuck with me is that you may be \"right\" and justified in your actions and behaviors, but you will remain in your box even though you are justified and right. At work, understanding this perversion of reality, will be very useful. There are times at work were I am doing the \"right\" thing. Someone treats me poorly and so I treat them poorly back. It is only fair, but if I were to answer their poor treatment by doing what I feel is right to do towards a person rather than an object. I will be able to improve those relationships and possibly even bring that other party out of their box. The third key concept that really resonated with me was that some people are stuck in such a vicious cycle that they cannot bring themselves out of the box on their own. In the book, Bud and Lou help Tom Callum come out of his box with a number of people, most importantly with his wife, Laura. Bud was stuck in a vicious cycle with his wife, where he was justified in his actions, but until he come out of the box, the cycle was doomed to continue. Bud and Lou, who were out of the box towards Tom, were able to make Tom realize that he was in the box. Once Tom realized that he was in the box, they were able to take steps to get Tom out of his box. This is an important thing to realize in an office setting. Sometimes my co-workers are having a bad day and they might mistreat me as a result. I can either enter the box with them and enter a vicious cycle or I can remain out of the box and see them as a person and treat them as such. If I apply all of these lessons, I will improve my interpersonal office relations because I will not treat people as objects, as a means to a result. I will treat them as I feel they should be treated as people. This will give my company edge because it will focus us on the results of the company rather than our interoffice disputes. Which EQ skills can be used to help you get out of the box more often and stay out of it longer? The author of the book lists a number of things you can do to live a life style outside of the box. These include \"Don't try to be perfect. Do try to do better, Don't use the vocabulary - \"The Box\