Messages for Analysis: Creating a Businesslike Tone

[LO-1], [LO-3] Read the following email draft, then

(a) analyze the strengths and weaknesses of each sentence and

(b) revise the document so that it follows this chapter’s guidelines. The message was written by the marketing manager of an online retailer of baby-related products in the hope of becoming a retail outlet for Inglesina strollers and high chairs. As a manufacturer of stylish, topquality products, Inglesina (based in Italy) is extremely selective about the retail outlets through which it allows its products to be sold.

Our e-tailing site, www.BestBabyGear.com, specializes in only the very best products for parents of newborns, infants, and toddlers.

We constantly scour the world looking for products that are good enough and well-built enough and classy enough—good enough to take their place alongside the hundreds of other carefully selected products that adorn the pages of our award-winning website, www.bestbabygear.com. We aim for the fences every time we select a product to join this portfolio; we don’t want to waste our time with onesey-twosey products that might sell a half dozen units per annum—no, we want every product to be a topdrawer success, selling at least one hundred units per specific model per year in order to justify our expense and hassle factor in adding it to the above mentioned portfolio. After careful consideration, we thusly concluded that your Inglesina lines meet our needs and would therefore like to add it.